Am I for sale?

After many months, again I am writing something which might not appeal male population of our country. This is more of a heart - wrenching altercation with a college classmate years ago. I guess I was in my Final year then. My college mates know me for two reasons...one, for always being occupied with books and studies & two, for standing up for humans & beliefs. I used to get indulge in arguments with them for reasons people don't want to fight for. Some reasons are true and deeply rooted in our daily basis life. We fret over them but still don't get inclined to stand against them. May be we want an easy life and don't want to invite unnecessary trouble for ourselves.

I have often been termed and labelled as a female chauvinist. One who doesn't want to oppose females & always support them blindly. I know people can not be judged by their genders, belongings, assets & liabilities. But unfortunately I got reasons to stand for women more than men. May be, because even in this 21st century they are still tortured, thrown and trampled upon. I knew I always had this urge to stand against beliefs disrespecting women and this conversation although may seem useless to many, it reinforced my belief in myself.

I arrived on time for the class but the class was cancelled. My classmates & I sat down for a chat to pass time.We had some light discussion but then something came up which didn't appeal me as the conversation rather opinion among 21st century youth. The favourite subject among college goers is career and the second most obvious is marriage. I had a classmate who was a day scholar there. He was the only child of his parents & belonged to a typical rajasthani family. I have spent 18 years of my life in Rajasthan and my family still stays there. I have nothing against the state and its culture. I have seen warmth, harmony and love in relations of those people. That's why it is more difficult for me to see those people talking and following this very concept.

He was among the brilliant students of my class. My professors and classmates used to expect a lot from him. We all were talking about our future career and then its always marriage the next thing where everyone's focus shifts to." Yes, talks of marriage will be the next on the cards after the placement is done. My family is waiting just for my placement and they will accelerate their search." He said. I was kind of astonished as how can people talk about marriage just after getting their offer letters in hand. Isn't there anything that comes between job offer and marriage talks? But I remained silent, I knew my concepts never used to appeal my collegemates. " Ya, parents ride fast once their children start earning. And once you get placed with a big software company, your rate will be as higher as you wish." a friend sitting to his next said.

I didn't understand this. " Excuse me! Rate will be higher? What do you mean by rate?" I interrupted. " Come on Purva, you are talking as if you don't understand anything. It is so prevalent in our society. Nobody denies it and nobody has a problem." the friend replied again. I never trusted that guy on his intelligency skills and may be he was the last person in my class I would want to talk to. But he was talking something which was beyond my understanding as well." Are you talking about "Dowry"? Is he going to ask for money from the girl's family because he will be a great software professional?" And then finally the prospective groom entered the picture.

"Dowry? It isn't called dowry. It is the love, support and understanding of a father that I will be able to support his daughter well. And I will take care of her my whole life, she will be dependent on me every time. She will need my support and I will have to stand by her all time. For that, if her father helps me with some money, what's so harm in that?" He declared.

I was shocked after he stopped. I thought I will leave from there but didn't know somehow I had to stand against it. May be not for me, may be not for the girl he will marry, not even for her family...but for womanhood. " Oh, it isn't dowry. It is the mutual understanding of your and her family. What a beautiful way to show and have the understanding! You want to get into a huge software firm to claim 50 lakhs from a girl's father? You believe you can't earn that much? A father will take care of his daughter whole life, will help her so that she can be independent enough just to hand over his daughter to a wimp like you because he will feed her whole life, he will give her clothes to wear and a roof to stay under. Can't she earn? If you really need money, get a girl who is capable enough to work & earn. That will complement you both. But you guys don't want your women to stop peeling potatoes and come out of kitchen to stand strong with you. You want them to be chickens inside the house and for feeding them, you need money from their families. She is a maid or what? Are you going to pay her for the service she provides to you and your family? You won't. Because whatever a woman does for her man is her duty, but whatever a man does for the woman is his favour & obligation for her. Isn't it? I thought we are engineers, 21st century youth and we have come far ahead of these cliche. But you guys proved me wrong. It doesn't mean which college we go to or what course we do, we will still be like this. What are we...dealers?"

Everyone present there started laughing on me. " Oh my god, you have gone mad, Purva. It is just a small thing. Why are you making a big issue out of it? Calm down. Even your father will think about it and do it at the time of your marriage. It is a common ritual to be followed."they wanted to console me. But it didn't help." I am sorry guys. I don't agree.Whatever a centuries old ritual could be...it doesn't mean that is right. I don't see things in terms of rituals & traditions. I see them in the light of right & wrong. If you hold a ritual and are brave enough to face the world in front of you with it, follow that ritual. But you won't ever do that. And you know why. Because you don't want a marriage which unites two souls. You want a business deal to happen. I wish you luck in this process of selling yourself and buying a girl." I left after that.

After one and half years, I came to know that he got married to a girl whose father gave him 30 lakhs cash, a car and few other utilities. I was in United States for my Masters then. Sometimes, I feel it is of no use for me to study that hard. I may be a topper of my class, earn as much as the guy does, have my own identity, may do wonders. But someday people will still stand up and want to buy me. No wonder, people kill their girl child and throw them in garbage. It is better than selling them....

Vyatha ek ped ki....

Main vriksha hoon is chaurahe ka
mera apna koi gaanv nahi.
mere tan se lipat ta na kisi ka aanchal
mere sar par bhi koi chaanv nahi.

Main khada hua hoon barson se
is zameen mein apni jadein jamaaye hue.
kuch shaakhon mein samete hoon apna aakaar
meri saansen hai yeh patte lehlahaaye hue.

Maine aksar logon ko kahte suna hai
mera hona is raaste par ek vardaan hai.
main hoon sukun har thaki hui zindagi ka
mujhse nikalti hui har raah aasaan hai.

Main yunhi ek adna sa beej tha, ki ek din pada paaya apne maali ko
maali bola, main tujhe ped banaunga.
tu janma hai panapne ke liye
yun tujhe nasht hone na doonga.

Maali ne jeevan daan diya mujhe
mahino khaad aur paani se seencha.
raksha ki meri junglee jaanwaro se
mere sar par apne sneh ka aanchal kheencha.

Main khilne laga, lehlahaa utha
maali ki mehnat rang laai.
meri daaliyan bhar gayi meethe phalon se
meri jadein duur-duur tak ja samaai.

Main peeta gaya, samet ta gaya
har aansu aur dard ko jo mujhse lipat jaata tha.
musafir aate gaye do pal chaanv ki talaash mein
main aasra aur sukun un sabke liye ban jaata tha.

Ek din maali aaya mera paas aur bola
"tera doosro par sab kuch lutaana mujhe sweekaar nahi.
maine tujhe seencha hai, ek beej se ped banne tak
mere alawa tujh par kisi aur ka koi adhikaar nahi.

Tu ab se kisi ko kuch na dega
tera sab kuch sadaiv mera hi hoga.
maine mehnat ki hai tujhe bada karne mein
tere phal mere siva koi aur kyun lega."

Main maali ko sun hua bahut hairaan...
"Tu mujhse apni koshishon ki keemat maangne aaya hai?
tere prayaas agar mujhpar koi karz hai to bas itna bata
kaunsa beta apne paalanhaar ko iski keemat de paaya hai?

Meri jadein dharti mein bahut gehri hai
main yahan se ukhad kar kahi aur jaa nahi sakta.
main deta aaya hoon chaanv, phal aur aasra sabhi ko
main ab kisi se yeh wapas paa nahi sakta.

Tu chahta hai main sirf tera hi rahun
to mujhe beej se ped na banaaya hota.
mujhe khaak mein kyun na mil jaane diya
main itna gehra to na samaaya hota.

Ab yahan se kahi aur na jaa sakunga
kisi praani ko apna sab dene se na rok paunga.
tu utha kulhaadi aur kaat de mera sar
tab zinda bacha to kya, aaj kat jaunga."

Maali chala gaya tay kar mere anth ka din
kal jab meri aatma par prahaar ho.
isse pahle ki main kat kar toot giru
ishvar aaj hi mera antim pranaam sweekaar ho.

Thaam le meri aatma ko bhagwan
main sirf apne liye kabhi jee na sakunga.
saari umar sab kuch deta aaya hoon apna
kabhi kisi se ab kuch le na sakunga.

Tu jeevan dega mujhe phir kisi din
tu chahega to main phir se janam loonga.
bas yahi vardaan de mujhe aaj marne se pahle
ki main agle janam mein bhi ped hi banunga....

Ek chota sa sawaal hai mera.......
Apna sab kuch doosro ko dene waala ped jab
apne maali ko keemat de nahi sakta,
to hum to insaan hai....
Kya len-den, keemat paana aur chukaana,
sauda aur vyapaar
yahi ek paalan karne waale ki pehchaan hai?

A day at SURMAN

I wanted to write about it earlier but due to a new job and getting settled in a different corporate life here, I couldn't. In last month I got to live with family after a long time, got a job, got to meet old friends...and among these moments, I had a very heart-warming experience. There is an organization called SURMAN in jaipur for orphan and destitute children, and it tries to give them a secured, loved and happy life & future. I went there and met Mrs. Manan Chaturvedi who laid the foundation of this organization. It was very overwhelming to see her working for the street children and trying to give them a secured and loved life and shape their future.

I came to know about it through a local newspaper of Jaipur and baba told me about it. We both decided to pay there a visit and see how people work towards someone they don't know. Some of the children there....were from streets, some were orphans, girls disowned and thrown into garbage by their family and many more. Talking to Mrs. Manan was like seeing a mirror. She was fashion designer by profession and one day when she came to jaipur and saw an orphan girl of 8-9 years of age wrapped up in torn clothes & searching food from a dustbin, she realized what led her to SURMAN. She said" I asked myself...for whom am I going to design clothes when people don't have clothes to wear on their bodies." She started this organization with 5 kids and now it has 44 children who are leading a life better than what they had before.

When we came back home after talking to her for 2-3 hours, I got immersed thinking deeply about the day's experience before sleeping.When I was younger, I used to think if it was so easy to love and care for people who are stranger for you. We spend a life with our family and why would anyone else other than them will hold importance in our lives. But when I see people like Mrs. Manan, I feel yes it is....She is taking care of her children as well as the children in SURMAN and that reinforces my belief in the concept that even though people are unknown, they are important. The experience at SURMAN & the children there formed a web of thoughts in my mind.

How is it to be an orphan kid? I have seen my family loving & taking care of me from the day I wasn't even able to understand life. But placing oneself on such kids' place, this thought itself is so dreadful and haunting that you don't know who your parents are. One fine day, you find yourself on streets, in a garbage bin or on temple's doorsteps left to die everyday before you actually die. And at a tender age of 8 or 10 years, when a kid only bothers about playing with kids of his/her age and getting to eat what they want to...these kids may be searching food to eat and shelter to spend their nights. Getting education and an opportunity to be someone to feel proud of is a thought next to impossible. We live each day and dream a bright future...and these children die each day towards the day they will actually die.

When I went inside where the children were playing, one kid ran and hugged my legs, I lifted him up and he smiled at me. The innocence on his face, unknown with the fact that I was a stranger to him...and the expression was worth more than what I achieve for myself. For few moments amongst those children...while playing, caressing, loving them...I forgot even my own identity. I have experienced many moments of success and achievements but the moments I spent at SURMAN were unforgettable and most precious ones.

I expressed my desire to Mrs. Manan about joining hands with her and helping her for this better cause. And she asked me a question. She asked" What is your destiny?" I smiled & replied" Ma'm, I don't have any destination. I only have a path." After getting the answer, she said " That is very nice to know. One should never have any set destination for getting into this. If you make a destination, you will expect returns of this work you are doing. And this work can never return you anything other than the smiles on these kids' faces and their secure future. But having a set path of helping people can return you better things. It can give your life a meaning, and I feel thats the most important thing in life."

Those who feel can contribute towards it can go to the website of SURMAN listed here...http://www.surmansansthan.org/....The children need our help to lead a normal life like all of us.

I was very happy when I returned home from SURMAN. That lady didn't have a lot of riches in life for herself, but she was happy, content and at peace with herself in what she was doing. Getting assets and recognition in life is very easy I guess, but getting peace is difficult. And maximum times, the way which leads to the peace of life doesn't align with the way which leads to achievements & riches. The path to the peace of mind begins from one's inner self and culminates in something & someone other than self. I certainly haven't found where my true peace lies, because everything I have done has ended up in me only....Probably, this is the beginning of it....

What a woman wants?

So, I spent last one month at home. Before gearing up for a new step here, I wanted to spend time with family. I got indulged in many serious discussions with my father. It is always important for me to discuss about life with baba. His real words work as a tonic for me. He told me after a few conversations that I have become very sensitive than what I was before I left for US to study. And I heard him talking to ma also about the same. I accept that I was a bit different human being when I had gone to US. And these 3 years taught me a lot more than what I learned past 22 years. Three years back, may be I wanted to have everything in my life. I was the most important person for myself. I was running after everything and life was acting only as a mirage. My happiness was my only concern and pain was not evident to me clearly. Today, life seems like an open ground to me. I see beauty and I touch what is humane.

I know that I think a lot. And honestly speaking, I think most of the times about human beings, around me or away. At first, I used to search for my pound of happiness in others' pictures. Over the years, after this shallow thinking about myself only, I realized about the pains others undergo. So far, my self-interests have made me too mean and selfish. I never gave a thought of what is most important in life. This time, when I shared this feeling with baba, he told me that I am beginning to transform from a girl's thinking to a woman's. I think I have entered in the phase of self-analysis. Everyone reaches this particular phase at some point of time in their lives. And this self-analysis opens the door to self-realization. I analyze myself many times, where my thoughts are going, where my life is heading towards, what do I want.....What actually a woman wants?

I dreamed about everything I wanted that makes an easy, comfortable and convenient life. I thought all the pleasures around me will give me happiness. My life encountered with many people afterward to make me realize that happiness in these pleasures isn't the happiness I am looking for. Life doesn't find its way we want it to. It takes a way treading on which we have to choose what is most important for us. My life always took a different and atypical way, and when I tried to find my happiness the way everyone does, it didn't align with the path I was walking on. My family wanted me to gain all the materialistic things a normal girl will be happy with. And I found my happiness in letting go all of them. I was made many times to draw inspiration from the examples of people who made it to riches, success and prosperity. But I felt motivated by a poor man who tried living his life even after losing his legs, a hand and an eye. I didn't realize the value of having parents till I met a girl who lost everyone in her family in less than a moment. I have seen rich and prosperous people who have bashed their cars on people walking on road-side, and I have also seen miseries of an orphan child and an illiterate man & woman, but what moved me to the core was misery & not prosperity.

Sometimes, after achieving everything I feel...what for? What will I choose if I am given to choose...prosperity & security for life OR miseries of a needy one. I feel dead many times in this world. My faith in being good and do good doesn't succumb to die so easily and evils & self- interests tear my spirits apart. I stand helpless in front of god asking him either to take away this thoughtfulness or to make me powerful enough to help people lead a better life. I know it completely that most of the times I seem a confused, lifeless and impractical human being. I haven't done anything good so far for anyone. I have only been preaching lessons and good words & I know till the time I bring a change in someone's life, my saying this can't be justified.

There is something which is drawing & pulling me towards it and my feet are searching for which direction to go. My soul feels restless every time when I view my life only on the surface. I believe a woman doesn't need to have all the pleasures in life. She is able enough to lead her life happily without having prosperity and luxuries around. If she has parents who love her even if she isn't a successful woman, if she is educated and capable to support herself & her family, if she is not devoid of the basic blessings to live normally and independently, if a man can love her even if she may be the most miser & ugly woman around...she has more than everything she deserves. Sometimes, I feel even happiness & togetherness isn't also important...having too many people around for company isn't also important...getting recognition & appreciation for the support she is giving isn't also important. No gains, no possessions & no support needs to find a place in her life.

Meaning for life & purpose of life holds the only & most imperative place. Anything other than that can be lived without or dealt with. There is only one life for me & death is the last truth of this life and between these two extremes, only one question exists....what a woman wants?

Before I leave....

I was away from blogging for last one whole month. This is my last week in United States and from next week, I embark a new phase of my life in India. I arrived here 3 years back.It is difficult for me to share and tell my experiences of last three years in one blog posting. Life here taught me what I didn't learn before. I knew myself better than what I was before. I am what I am today and during this journey in search of my own being has some very important chapters written by my US stay.

Before I leave, I wish to thank and extend my love and gratitude to a few people. These names are not only names but they form a very important part of my present being. And I know, they will always stay in me.

" Rathin, Avanti, Neelima, Sandeep, Sagar, Ankit, Rohan, Sudarshan, Jairong, Vallerie, Mark, Mike, Bob, Steve,Vikram, Amit, Astha, Siddharth, Manish, Anuvrat, Meera, Vishvesh, Sravanthi, all my professors, colleagues and classmates"

Thanks a million to you all for helping, loving, caring for me.I remember few lines to express my emotions.

" Journeys end....People depart
Every phase of life comes to an end.

But every end is also a new beginning,
It is a new chapter waiting to open.

It's upto you what you want to think about,
The end or the new beginning....

It is not about how much we get in the beginning,
But how much we give at the end.

Life is only about finding its meaning,
And meaning is the only definition of life."

God and Ambitions....

"Ambition knows no god"...I read this line in some book long back. I couldn't understand it then. I went on to aim many achievements and forgot it completely. I always thought that to lead an ambition free life is something next to impossible. Human being is bound to have some ambitions to progress ahead in life. And I was no exception to it. I used to have 100 ambitions in life. It is difficult sometimes to think beyond ambitions. The life of a small kid is about playing, enjoying life and spending time the way every kid will do. A small kid is always the most innocent soul on this planet, free from all worries, struggles yet to come and race of survival of the fittest. The moment he/she starts growing, people tell them to be something, to do something extraordinary which nobody else has ever done before, to achieve a lot in life, to have ambitions, to excel in life.

I was also a free soul earlier when I was a kid. I never had any ambitions of making it to high. Some time later, when I was growing, I started getting influenced from people around me. I didn't know about this harsh outside world then. I thought if I manage to achieve something big, land up somewhere where I can earn like hell, become a famous name and a powerful person...then only my life will be better. I used to dream days and nights to succeed in whatever work I do. I don't say that dreaming to excel in life is not good. One should always dream to be better than before and self. But I was competing against the world. Whenever I achieved anything, I was happier that I left someone behind in the competition. I never felt content that it is something which is an outcome of my efforts. I was craving more for the appreciation from people who were competing with me. I think it happens with most of the people. Climbing higher in someone's mind holds more importance than climbing the ladder of success.

Later on, I proceeded ahead on the same track. I have been a very weak person from inside. Success pushed me to go out in the world and let people know about it. And when failure enveloped me, I hated stepping out of my own sphere of solitude. And this attitude never let me become more than an insect. To become a good human being was an uphill task for me. Over the years, I realized that no success and failure is able enough to distract you from becoming a good human being. I realized that I forgot to live my life first, to be a good human being around, to help people in need, to listen to the inner voice of god inside me. My inner voice didn't wake me up when I was aiming towards achieving success. Though success also never made me happy completely. Because I aspired for something else after that and it continued on and on. These mirages of "what next now" formed a cobweb around me and I didn't take out time to know where my life is heading. Everytime, there was a material aim and an avarice desire. When I felt suffocated in this mesh around me, I remembered this line one day, " Ambition knows no god". Then I realized that I forgot to talk to god all this while.

I was an atheist till 12th standard. Protected by my family and too busy in all mundane affairs, I always denied the existence of god. I used to think nobody else loves and protects you other than your family. I never needed god before. Needing someone doesn't let us to appreciate our true feelings. Family can be a need, but god can't be. My mother tried hard to ignite my faith in god. But faith can't be ignited or forced in anyone. It has to originate naturally and on its own. I started getting closer to god after I joined college. I had developed my own beliefs in god. I used to visit temples a lot and used to search him there. I thought may be the peace inside a temple is required to connect with him. I used to converse with him in temples. After some time, I felt that peace inside a mind is more important than peace inside a temple. And then, my god started communicating with me every moment. Even when I am home, or outside, or in a temple, or doing any work. It has been 8 long years of my faith in god.

He asked me one day" Where are you heading towards? Is this what I created you for? Material gains, plastic ambitions and greedy desires? I want you to feel the happiness inside you first and you are looking for it everywhere in this world. Look within yourself. You have wrapped yourself in your artificial ambitions. How will you listen to my voice then? Ambitions can't accompany you till the end, I can. But, you have to be friend with your soul first. No success makes you happy and gives you peace of mind, still you are running after it whole life?" Those questions wrenched me completely. I feel I woke up after a long sleep. I feel I spent past 25 years in running after hollow ambitions. Every success and failure fades away eventually and nothing material leaves any mark on me. I felt the day I die and meet god, I won't even have one mark to show on my soul of any good deeds I did here.

My life has been a blend of many ambitions and desires for me and my family so far. Ambition should be to live life. Ambition shouldn't be to die for worldly pleasures all the time. And today, I feel again like the free soul of a kid I was. I feel ambition-less. I don't feel to achieve anything now, no gains, no material success. The only ambition which is left now is to find myself. I listen to my inner voice more than ever I did before. I feel the presence and protection of god with me more than ever I felt before. My quest to be a good human being begins now. Though it took very long, but I believe...to be a good human being, one doesn't need to go any extra miles. Just believe in god and try to be friends with your soul. He will take care of everything after that. I realize now that I was right. God can't be a need, he is the soul of life. And ambitions don't accompany us till the end, but he does....always...

The beauty unseen....

After mentioning about my blind music teacher in my last post, I received a few requests and messages of people willing to know about him. Since I have already posted his story on my old rediffblog, I am not posting his story word by word again. And because rediff people and I don't work well together, I will let this blog to disentangle more threads about him here. This post is not his complete story. It is more of the relation we both shared when I was his student. This post is an account of the invaluable conversations we did then. Before I begin, I would like to introduce him to this world.

I was kind of complaining and negative attitude person till the moment I met him. My life starts with him when I was in 3rd standard. My father got me admitted to the local music school of that town despite my reluctance in learning music. He used to take first year class in the school. And I thank god that I got the chance to learn my first step of music from him. Had it been someone else other than him, I wouldn't have known some beautiful aspects of life along with his music lessons. He was a very humble and gentle man and he was quite easy on students. Since the day I began with him, I was attracted to the magnetic persona. His blindness by birth never let me think even for a moment that it could obstruct me to connect with that deep soul.

He never went to regular school, never enjoyed the tits-bits lovely moments and happiness of life. After graduating from my music school, he joined there only as a music teacher and started teaching students. He fulfilled all his responsibilities as a son and a brother. His brother and sisters got settled in their personal and professional lives with his earnest dedication and care. He remained unmarried and stayed all alone his life. But he searched his being in music. My school and the students studying there became his world. His capturing smile and energy and desire to live life taught me that life is not about fretting and regretting over what we don't have, infact it's about living and looking at life through a vision that says life is beautiful even if it doesn't give you whatever you desire.

I used to sit near to him all the time not only to learn what he is teaching but also to feel how he feels music. He couldn't see all of us sitting, yet he saw music better than anyone I have met. Music was not a profession for him...it was a worship of god, life and his soul for him. At home, while practicing his lessons...I used to close my eyes to get into the mode he used to be. My class was always 2 hours long, but I used to reach earlier to learn what I couldn't do in the regular class. I still remember him recognizing me from my footstep and calling my name after entering the class. We did long practice sessions when I represented my school on State level. And those moments turned out to be the most beautiful moments of my being. It used to be heaven for me in that room with me only and my teacher around immersing to the core of music and life.

What a lovely relation it was....between a man who never saw anything in his life and a girl who never saw life in anything. He penetrated in my mind somehow and realized my attitude towards life. He told me one day" You sing really well, your voice tells me that you are a good human being. That is the first step of being a good musician. Only a good person can be a good singer. Music is not like cramming your text-books and writing your exams. You first need to pass the exam within yourself. If you can't see the life in a positive light, you won't be able to see the beauty of music." And I wondered how one can see music. I asked him.

And he replied"Ofcourse, we can see music. You open your eyes and see everything running and moving around in this world, you see all the evils, miseries and troubles with good things ofcourse. Just close your eyes once, you will see only beautiful things inside your soul, you will rather feel. God can't be seen, values can't be seen, pleasure can't be seen and emotions can't be seen...still you see their beauty, you feel them. Same way, music can't be seen...still it is visible in the same divine form as god is."I used to listen all these precious words silently. Life had started turning in a beauty for me with him. I asked him one day" Sir, you don't feel bad or don't you complain to god that he made you blind? Life could have been better for you other way."

And he smiled" No, life is better for me the way I want to see it. I have questions for god, not complaints. May be, I will ask him this question when I die and meet him. But that day is far ahead. Why should I spend my life in complaining or blaming him? Let me live this life first that he blessed. I am saving all my questions for the day I meet him." And I used to think, only able and complete people have that attitude. He was lacking vision and still life was a beauty for him. I wonder sometimes that we don't feel meeting and making relations with such people. When we avoid these people, we make ourselves devoid of an inner pleasure which we find only with such kind of human beings.

When I graduated and was leaving my school, I went to seek his blessings. I couldn't tell him this during my learning. But since it was last day at school, I said" Sir, I can't express in words what I have learned from you. I really wish and pray that one day I have enough money, I will try my best to get your eyes operated and help you see this world." He smiled and said" God bless you dear, I don't want to discourage you and I sincerely appreciate your concern for me. But my eyes can't be operated. I am blind by birth. And such people are destined to live this way. For all these years, I have made music my eyes. Let me live my life this way only."

He sensed my disappointment and then he said" Why are you feeling bad? I see everything in this world and I will definitely see. Main tumhari aankhon se is duniya ko dekhunga na...do you believe any doctor can give me more beautiful eyes than you can give?I don't think so. If you really want to help me seeing, just be a good human being and see life as a beauty. Not only me, but other vision less people will also see the beauty through your eyes. Will you be my eyes for this life?"...And I nodded my head.

I might have seemed a bit off track in this post, but I am emotionally very attached to my guru. When I wrote this, I was just feeling those moments....Sir,I have no words to explain how you transformed my life. I saw the unseen beauty of life through you. I close my eyes and see music and god inside me. I feel all the beautiful features. I open my eyes and I see you seeing all the beauty of this world through me. I know you would never be able to read this...but I definitely want to tell that you still live in my music and me....and till the moment I am able to see the world, you will see the world....

For you, teacher....

Teachers hold special places in one's life. No matter what form of learning is acquired. I believe, a teacher is a messenger of god who teaches what god wants us to learn. In fact, life acts as a teacher when there is no human being present in one's life to essay the role. I am quite fortunate in this regard to have been blessed by teachers who not only taught me text books but life also. My parents and sisters are my best teachers 24x7 to learn what needs to reform my being. I belong to a family of teaching professionals. I met many teachers during the course of my student life. I have already shared the story of my blind music teacher earlier. There are some more who come for me on the same level.

Recently, I was telling a friend about one of my teacher who taught me English during 6th-8th standard. And then I got this idea of sharing his story on this blog. He was a retired teacher of a govt. school where he used to teach English and a 75 years old man with an athletic spirit and activity. I was preparing for All India Talent Search Exams then. Baba learned about a teacher who was retired and used to take private tuition at home. He took me with him to his place and my teacher asked me to start in a batch of 8 students from the very next day. I started enjoying his teaching soon. After a week, he separated me from the batch and started teaching me in a batch of only 1 student. And that student was me.

I told baba about it and he thought that he would charge more for teaching me individually. When the month got over, baba visited him and paid his extra tuition fees to his wife as he wasn't home that moment. In the evening, my teacher came walking with his walking stick to our place and returned the additional fees. Baba asked him the reason for that. And he said" I don't teach your daughter for money. If I need to earn money, I have so many batches and I get my pension also. I found something very remarkable in your daughter. The dedication she pays for my lessons and efforts satisfies the teacher in me. I can't ask from her anything more than that. But, I understand I am not obliging you. So, I will take 100 rupees. Thats all I want."

Baba told me about this conversation with him when he left. I couldn't believe my ears on what I heard. I decided that I will keep the faith of my teacher intact and started paying more attention to his lessons from then. Days were passing by and I was immersing in the ocean of his knowledge. But, every story has to pass a test...the test of hardship. One day, when he was returning home from a shop, he met with an accident. The first chest bone of his rib-cage got broken and he got constrained to rest on bed for 2 months. Because of his old age, his bone couldn't be joined. But doctor made him capable of walking and leading a normal life with that too by turning the bone's direction a little.

Before that, he needed to do proper bed rest with traction adjusted on his chest so that he doesn't move or roll over his bed. It was a curse for a man to not move even an inch who was so active physically. I visited him with baba and thought that he wouldn't be able to teach me at least for 2 months. He had canceled all his batches for that duration. But he expressed his desire in continuing with me. I was astonished to learn that. Baba asked him" Sir, you won't be able even to sit for 2 months. Why do you want to bear pain unnecessarily?" He replied" It is not unnecessary. I want to teach your daughter. She has her exams in 2 months and I can't leave her halfway in the course. Her learning will be my content. I would teach her in this position only. Please let me do it."

Getting his encouragement, I started going to him for the tuition again. He used to teach me with a book in one hand in that recumbent position. He used to exchange the book in the other hand if one starts aching. Sometimes, he used to get distressed with the pain but he never complained about it while teaching me. His room used to look like a hospital ward with all the medicines smells. I used to sit near his bed and I could smell his body stinking. Nobody else other than his wife used to step in his room. But, the only factor that was worth giving attention to, was his efforts despite all the pains and troubles.

Observing this, I forgot everything other than his lessons. I realized that there is no other person left in this world apart from me and my teacher in that one hour. 2 months later, when he came back to his ambulatory stage, my exams were over by then. I continued with him for 2-3 years. After that, baba got transferred from the place and we had to leave. I went to his place with baba and sought his blessings for my next course. He said" A student will always have many teachers in his/her life, but a teacher gets only a bunch of these kind of students who make his life worthy as a teacher. You justified the meaning of my being as a teacher. I am grateful to you."

I had tears in my eyes after listening this. That moment was one of the most truthful moment I have ever seen in my life. I have seen very few teachers with that spirit. And in this selfish age, who would like to teach someone for 100 rupees and in a painful condition like this? His earnest efforts and dedication towards me marked my future journey. Of course, he taught me English in that small room. But, I also learned life from him. I learned the definition of effort and devotion. I learned how one forgets his/her own pain for someone's ascent and well being. For him...my advancement was important than money, than rest, than any other possible gain in the world.

Thanks is a very small word for you teacher, as I would never be able to pay for what you taught me. I am indebted to you till I am alive. All I can say is, your pains and efforts won't go futile. I make sure that this world knows about you not only through this blog, but also through your lessons. I haven't seen god yet, but I am confident that he will have the same piece of spirit I saw in you. Your memory reiterate to me...that god exists....

The story who formed my being....

The readers of this blog must have realized this by now that my father has a strong impact on my life. He possess a very special place in my life and whatever I think and convey has some of his input and some of his shade. He is the only person in my life who has played unlimited number of roles for me. He has not only been a father but also a teacher, friend, philosopher, guide, secret-sharer, mood-en lightener, story-teller, inspirer, motivator, charioteer of my life-chariot, and Jupiter of my sky. There are many other beautiful pieces of our relation but the most prominent bridge that connects me and him is ideals, values, philosophies and lessons. I have grown up listening to his stories from my childhood. Of course some of them are extremely philosophical and spiritual but some of them are practical too with always a lesson at the end. They are.. from my childhood when I was 4 years old..till date.I would like to share one of them with the readers which holds the most important place among all the stories. This story marked the school of thought I follow and formed my being. I would also like to let you know if you are not a person who like to bear philosophies, do not read. Please read only if you have some place for philosophy and spirituality in your life.

Long back, there was a king who used to rule a state. He was very righteous, kind and unbiased ruler. Everyone used to feel secure and equal under the shade of his supremacy. He used to disguise himself and roam around his state's streets and markets to know if anyone is in need or despair. One day, after disguising himself, he went to the main market. It was a busy day in the market and he was walking around when he saw an old and poor woman selling something. The woman was very weak and looked like she was starving from days. She had a basket full of garbage with her which she was trying to sell, and everyone passing around was making fun of her because of that.The king decided to help her. He went to her and asked" Mother, what are you selling?"..."I am selling my poverty, son. I am a poor woman and I haven't eaten anything for so many days. I didn't have anything left in my house so I decided to collect the garbage of my house and sell it" She replied. The king felt bad that under his reign, someone doesn't have anything to eat. He bought her basket of garbage and gave her some money. She blessed her and left. After making some more rounds of market and helping people, he returned to his palace and ordered his guards to keep the basket in his treasury.

Later that night after having dinner, the king was spending time on the terrace of his palace. Suddenly, he saw a lady wearing bright clothes walking out of his treasury and leaving. He rushed to her and asked " Who are you? Why did you walk out of my treasury?"..." I am Lakshmi, the goddess of Wealth. You have given shelter to poverty in your treasury where I was residing till date. Now, there is no place for me so I am leaving. Poverty and wealth can't stay together." She said. The king let her go.

After some time, he saw one more lady with bright clothes walking out of his treasury. He followed her and asked " Who are you? Why are you leaving my place?" " I am Shakti, the goddess of Power. You invited poverty at your place and because of it, the goddess of wealth left. Wealth brings power and I am not able to stay here any more." She replied to the king. He let her go also.

Some time later, he saw one more lady walking out of his palace this time. He approached her also and asked the same question.She said." I am goddess of Fortune. Without goddess of power and wealth, there is no sense with me staying here any more. Fortune always stays with power and wealth around her. With me walking out now, your kingdom has no future as you let go the supremos who were protecting your state from evils. " The king didn't say any word and let her go.

When he was returning back to his palace, a man with a glow on his face and bright clothes was walking out of his palace. The king walked towards him and asked his question. He replied..." I am Dharma, the god of righteousness, truth and virtue. I am leaving you now. All the predominant gods have left your place and I believe I am the only one left here. I will also have to go where others are. "

The king leaned down to his feet and folded his hands and said" No my lord, I can't let you go with others. To follow Dharma only, I bought the old woman's poverty. My dharma as a king tells me to take care of my people, help them in their time of need, look after and protect them. It is only for Dharma I decided to let go all the supremos from my state. If you also leave, then whatever I have done to the old woman and to my people so far has no meaning and no justification. I will accept destitution, calamity and misfortune...but I am not ready to leave Dharma. I am sorry I can't let you go. I request you to return back to my palace." Lord Dharma returned back.

After few hours, when the king was about to go to sleep, he saw all the three goddesses coming back to him. He asked them the reason. They told" Without Dharma, we don't have a path or a direction. It is only dharma who leads our way. He is the beginning, journey and the destination of our being. We are directionless with not having him around and our whole existence can't be justified. We would not leave your kingdom and will return where we belong. " The king sought their blessings and went happily to his palace.

When my father finished this story, I couldn't make much sense out of it. I was only 5 years old then. But over the years, I have realized the true meaning of this story and the lesson. My father asks me often" What is it that you can't let go? Ask yourself." And I remember the story...... always......every moment....

If not...

Living life could be the easiest task in this world and at the same time could be the most difficult one. Only when we realize what important is there with us, is not going to be any more. What if not?....Life is a series of choices we make. When the usual happens...we enjoy our choices. When something unusual happens...we regret or fret over the choices. But ultimately, it is only the person who has to bear the consequences of his/her choices. May be a small wish which comes true can give the pleasure of few moments...and may be a dream of life can never reach to its destination. What I have realized is...that a human being should always be compliant to accept everything life has to offer. I have seen people who ended life for a petty cause which meant a big one for them. I ponder sometimes on it. Is it so easy to end life just like that? After all, anyone can die easily...what's hard is having the courage to live.

When I was in school, I had a small diary with me in which I used to write what all I would like to do in my life. I was a dreamer just like everyone is. My bucket list of dreams was the whole essence of my being. It included the people I will want to be with, dreams I will wish to complete, responsibilities I will like to fulfill and zeniths I will aim to achieve. Years gone passed, some dreams found their destiny, some are still unfolded and some would never culminate into what they were supposed to. I used to open it sometimes and fret over what remained incomplete. I thought I don't have the strength and courage to reclaim whatever is unaccomplished. It is true that we make our earnest efforts to fulfill what we dream of. But there are also two phases after our efforts...either we get it or we don't. Life blooms when we get it...but life shatters when we don't get it. That should never happen to life. Regardless of the destiny of our dream, we must always keep in mind how to live without it.

I remember a small story long back from my school life. I had a teacher at my school. He was not very interactive with students other than his subject related queries. I had raised first time in my life from a naughty fellow to a sincere student in that school so I would say I was emotionally very attached to the school. My father got transferred from the town and I was to leave the school. I was feeling nostalgic by the thought of leaving the place which first showed me my abilities. I went to meet all my teachers & seek their blessings. When I met him, he was quite silent during the whole conversation. He gave me his wishes and all of a sudden I broke down in front of him. I told him that I won't be able to live without this place, school, my teachers, friends.

He paused for a moment and then said" OK, this is the last lesson from your teacher. You told me that you write your dreams in your bucket list diary so that you have them in front of your eyes all the time. From today onwards, make one more list of the things, people, places, dreams, ideas without which you won't be able to live. See it everyday, try to balance everything in it against the ingredient which is most important for your survival. I bet you will erase everything from your mind and that list, once you realize that they are not that important.....Of course, people are important. They can't be compared to non-living things. But their sweet memories are important, not their physical presence beside you all the time."

I asked" Do you think it is easy to leave places and people? I see new schools and places every year and before I try to spread my roots somewhere, it is time to say Goodbye. Why is my life a drift boat all the time? I want to stop somewhere and immerse in one. I am tired of these rooting and uprooting phases of life."

What he said after that has been one of the most valuable teaching of my being as a human. He said" This is the beauty of life, dear. Rooting makes a tree strong and uprooting stops its nourishment. And that's the only difference between the life of a tree and a human being. A human grows the strongest only when he/she is uprooted. You find it difficult to stay away from the roots that nurtured you. Lekin zindagi mein aisa kuch nahi hai jiske bina jeeya naa ja sake. I am here for a while. Who knows, whether I will be alive after 2 days...my family will suffer the most. But eventually, they will learn to live without me. Because life is like that. It keeps on proceeding ahead till the moment you stop its procession or end it. Remember, dreams are your own choices and not a compulsion on you...so complete them for your happiness. If not...then try & learn to live with their incompleteness also. There is no other thing which is more important than life."

I touched his feet and left the place. I made that list with all the things, people, places, ideas and dreams. During the course of time, I kept on erasing names from it. And after 25 years of my life, I have only three names left in that list.

1. God
2. Life
3. Spirits & Values
These are the only three names that are imperative for my existence.

I came to know after 2 years that my teacher met with a road accident and lost his life. I could never meet him again and tell him that he actually taught me how easy it is to live without everything in life. Just make everything unimportant in comparison to your life...and life is easy. Achieve your dreams...life will be better than before...If not...then also, life is with you. What else one needs to live? Just life right?....

Hopes...

Hope is a good thing...may be the best of thing...may be defines the beginning and end of life...may be the essence of life....may be the only ingredient which keeps you alive. This lesson was taking longer than ever to reach me. The whole book of my life has pages of few tears, smiles, laughter, struggles, achievements, failures, aspirations and dreams. The page of hope seemed like completed but it wasn't. The easiest task for a human being is to crash all his hopes and the most difficult one is to crash himself. And living without hope is just like a body with no soul. At times, I have acted deceased...working towards something..don't know what..success comes..its good...if it doesn't...hopes get crashed. It is unfair friends. We need hopes only in the time of despair and we kick them out so easily...at least I do.

Few years back in India, I appeared in IIT-JEE with my full fledged efforts. I didn't get selected and the failure devastated me and my spirits. My family and few people close to me know how difficult the situation was for me. With my dear ones' love and care, I managed to start living a new life afterward. And trust me, my confidence level never soared to the level where it was before IIT-JEE. Till date, there has been no disaster befallen upon me of that severity. Ma never worried for me that much before that and after that. Di was continuously trying to blow spirits in me.

Baba was almost in an impatient state after observing me behaving with no hopes and miser for5-6 months when one day he burst out.." Is that what I have taught you for years? Lose hopes, be a prisoner of your own failures and think life doesn't have anything else to offer you? It is just a beginning dear. Remember, when everything crashes then it is the best opportunity to prove yourself. Unlimited doors are opened in front of you now. Take any of them. You have nothing to lose because you have already lost everything and to gain...you have the world." Those precious words were the stepping stones of the foundation of my to-be-built structure of confidence.

I consider myself lucky to have been around people who have experienced misery, crisis and tragedies more than what I have faced. Amongst them, someone lost whole family in earthquake at the tender age of 17 years, someone was born in a financially challenged and miser family, someone had to work as a peon and had to leave school to earn livelihood for family at age of 10, someone was blind by birth and forever, someone became physically challenged afterward, someone had to take a truthful path of failure to survive deceitful destination of success. I can keep talking about some more of this kind for ever.

The common factor I found among them was these people never left the hand of their hopes. The hope which says a new dawn will arrive soon...a new world is waiting for you. And after remembering all these angels I feel...I am crying because I have no shoes....what about the one who has no feet. Life is full of blessings and sometimes we are just too blind to see them...just having hopes can get us closer to the beauty of life.

The people who read this blog entitle me as a philosopher. But friends, I have never tried to be one. I have only conveyed what my life has shown and taught me. Yes, I agree I think a lot. I agree sometimes I don't talk that makes much sense...but I don't agree that talking real is philosophy. And I like to talk real. Recently, one of my dearest friend sent me these lines that I would like to share with everyone.

" If there is a solution, find it.
If there is none, never mind it."

And remember between these two lines...never lose hopes and even after that. Hope is the best thing one can have.

Division of heart

There can't be no better curse in this world than to be alone. And may be that's why this concept of families did come into picture. We are born in families, make our own families, live with them and one day die in their arms. The most important asset a human possess is family. Ma says that a strong family has the strength to sustain every possible adversity in the world. My parents have spent most of their personal life away from each other due to their frequent transfers and postings in their respective jobs. And there was a time when both of them were away from home. We always felt their presence beside us and that's what kept and keep us together. That's what keeps everyone together.

I have a colleague at work who trusts me a lot. It is strange to see when an American starts trusting a non-American when it comes to personal life and relations. He shared a personal issue of his friend with me which was new of its kind. His friend's wife has filed divorce and they are discussing over the issues of divisions of all the property, assets and custody of their children. It seems usual as these are the main issues one has to deal with while filing divorce. But what perturbed me was the division of children. The couple has two sons and two daughters. And one of their son and daughter is grown up. They want to divide their grown up children & younger children equally and their sons and daughters equally. I have never heard of such kind of division in my life before. My colleague asked me what I think of their agreement and decision to go with.

I didn't want to advice anything on the matter. First of all, I am too young and immature to give any advice and second, I am inexperienced as a wife and mother and third of course, our cultures and upbringings are different. I decided to stay neutral at the end, with the feeling that its their personal matter. But I knew that I could have spoken on it being a daughter. He then asked me further about how is it in India. Do Indians get divorced? After 2-3 questions of this tone, he landed into my personal life with my family. I could have lied about our struggles in earlier stages of our family life. But when it comes to family, I hate lying. It is like lying about god, lying about the first blessing of being a human being.

So, I gave him a vague idea about how we lived like wanderers in the initial years till we three grew up. And his astonishment after getting to know this unveiled his next question. " Do your parents now live together? Are they still living with each other after spending so much time away?" And I smiled as I knew this question was coming...." Ya, my parents are very much together. Does it matter to stay far physically? After all, your loved one resides in your heart. No matter which part of earth he/she stays in." When he smiled, I knew he agreed with the idea none the less..." You know Purva, I really admire India and Indians for the harmony and integrity in their relations. Whats nice to see that they stay with their parents even after their marriage."

This is not as easy and frequent as it was evident from his talk. We Indians know that there are some discrepancies. Nothing is perfect and impeccable on this earth. We Indians are accepting westernization and feeling happy to forget our own. Even we Indians get divorced, stay away from our family willingly and walk out of our family and parents' lives happily. We Indians fight over the issues of division of assets and custody of children. And of course we Indians only forget our family so easily. But till date I haven't heard of division of children in India. May be, I belong to a small place in comparison to metropolitan culture where this could be a normal matter & I still possess the small town mentality. However, it is easy to divide assets, easier to divide property....but it is hardest to divide children.

What left me surprised over the issue was...this idea of division of children was proposed by their mother. A mother is the most respectable person of all. She is god's best gift to every living being on this earth, she is the life and god herself as she gives birth to life. If god wants to take birth, even he has to come through a mother's womb. Wherever or in whatever form life is, mother is the cause and beginning of one's existence. Can she think of dividing her children? Her heart beats in her children. Even if someone goes on to try dividing....is it possible to divide hearts? A true relation is always the one in which bodies are different & heart is one, names are different & soul is one. The day we will divide soul will probably see the beginning of division of a mother's heart too.

Lack of time...?

I was having this conversation with a friend of mine. We talked about everything possible in the world from politics, economy in recession, terrorism to work, life and career. And then all of a sudden, he popped up with a simple question..."How do you get time in this busy life for blogging? You almost manage it three times a month." I didn't find his question odd. I knew it if I had elaborately explained, the conversation would have lasted forever. I just smiled and said" Bas aise hi...I don't feel lack of time to do it"...

If you see people, world and lives around you, you will see everybody running here and there in search of something or to achieve something..don't know what. Life has become really busy in this age. My grand-ma used to tell me" Your generation is just in love with running after things and pleasures and for that you will willingly lose the pleasure of your present moment. In our time, people at least used to have time to sit along with family and friends." I agree with her nothing less. Life is getting convulsed violently by day to day competitions and in the fight of survival of the fittest. I do the same and still here I am writing a blog on it to preach lessons. But it is not only a lesson...it is just some pieces hold together from small real lives' experiences.

Till I got here in US, I had the same resentments. I used to lament like hell for less time and much work to do. My life was in all time imbalanced state and I thought only I, in the world, has infinite amount of work. I never thought about how to balance life giving importance to each and every need, priority and person. My life was piled up under my textbooks and study room. At times, I would gaze outside the window having a book in hand which gave an impression of my studious nature to many, even though I may be feeling sluggish that moment. But a foolish likeness of myself with always a book in my hand found it hard to let me step outside my door....

My day to day dialogues with ma were limited to "bhookh lagi hai, khana ban gaya kya?", "exams aane waale hai" and " kal school ki chutti hai". Papa was more of a teacher than papa and he was the one who has managed talking with me the most so far. A lot of credit goes to his long discussions of studies with me. My endless commitments to studies and other useless stuff took away my time of conversing with my family and other friends. I was same till college, always complaining about the lack of time. During the second year at college, I came across to talk to a friend about it and after listening to me he said" There is never a lack of time...only a lack of inclination. There is always plenty of time if you know how you are going to balance your life." His words moved me to the core. I have been repeating his words in my mind till date. And after that, if there is anything missing in my life...that is inclination, that is balance...never a lack of time.

We run our whole life in hope of a better future and miss all zest of relishing present moments OR we stay cold our whole life to avoid odds and rigor of present moments and get apprehensive for tomorrow. We run either at left or at right, unknowingly that the real joy lies in between somewhere these two points. Life is not about zooming in a Ferrari and it is not about stopping on one moment for ever either. Happiness is not in the mirages of " the next day should be better than today" and it is not also in fretting over an ongoing painful moment. It is just in the moment when you know what you want to do the most and what makes you happy.

Due to my so called and defined "lack of time", I had stopped blogging for an year when I came here for masters. A friend pushed me again towards it and then I realized where my zeal lies. I found an undefined solace in giving a shape to my thoughts again and my inclination took care of it from there. It was though not as actively as it was supposed to be and at times I hardly thought of anything but studies, yet I knew it was important to me and for my happiness. And this realization of where my true self lies taught me how to get the balance between the two.

Practically, it may invite a number of arguments. This competitive world snatches everything away which gives us delight. But it is on us how to have the counterpoise. Life is too beautiful na, friends. Enjoy every moment before it flees away and make it meaningful also before it never gives you a chance to do so again. Make a balance with everything in your life. Try it from today before you lose any special moment and person forever.

I wish I could get my childhood back just to spend some more tender moments with my family which I just let go hands down...the significance of those moments really took much time to become evident to me. We human beings are not so good with extremes. Staying at equilibrium can help us in surviving in a better way and happily for long...