What a woman wants?

So, I spent last one month at home. Before gearing up for a new step here, I wanted to spend time with family. I got indulged in many serious discussions with my father. It is always important for me to discuss about life with baba. His real words work as a tonic for me. He told me after a few conversations that I have become very sensitive than what I was before I left for US to study. And I heard him talking to ma also about the same. I accept that I was a bit different human being when I had gone to US. And these 3 years taught me a lot more than what I learned past 22 years. Three years back, may be I wanted to have everything in my life. I was the most important person for myself. I was running after everything and life was acting only as a mirage. My happiness was my only concern and pain was not evident to me clearly. Today, life seems like an open ground to me. I see beauty and I touch what is humane.

I know that I think a lot. And honestly speaking, I think most of the times about human beings, around me or away. At first, I used to search for my pound of happiness in others' pictures. Over the years, after this shallow thinking about myself only, I realized about the pains others undergo. So far, my self-interests have made me too mean and selfish. I never gave a thought of what is most important in life. This time, when I shared this feeling with baba, he told me that I am beginning to transform from a girl's thinking to a woman's. I think I have entered in the phase of self-analysis. Everyone reaches this particular phase at some point of time in their lives. And this self-analysis opens the door to self-realization. I analyze myself many times, where my thoughts are going, where my life is heading towards, what do I want.....What actually a woman wants?

I dreamed about everything I wanted that makes an easy, comfortable and convenient life. I thought all the pleasures around me will give me happiness. My life encountered with many people afterward to make me realize that happiness in these pleasures isn't the happiness I am looking for. Life doesn't find its way we want it to. It takes a way treading on which we have to choose what is most important for us. My life always took a different and atypical way, and when I tried to find my happiness the way everyone does, it didn't align with the path I was walking on. My family wanted me to gain all the materialistic things a normal girl will be happy with. And I found my happiness in letting go all of them. I was made many times to draw inspiration from the examples of people who made it to riches, success and prosperity. But I felt motivated by a poor man who tried living his life even after losing his legs, a hand and an eye. I didn't realize the value of having parents till I met a girl who lost everyone in her family in less than a moment. I have seen rich and prosperous people who have bashed their cars on people walking on road-side, and I have also seen miseries of an orphan child and an illiterate man & woman, but what moved me to the core was misery & not prosperity.

Sometimes, after achieving everything I feel...what for? What will I choose if I am given to choose...prosperity & security for life OR miseries of a needy one. I feel dead many times in this world. My faith in being good and do good doesn't succumb to die so easily and evils & self- interests tear my spirits apart. I stand helpless in front of god asking him either to take away this thoughtfulness or to make me powerful enough to help people lead a better life. I know it completely that most of the times I seem a confused, lifeless and impractical human being. I haven't done anything good so far for anyone. I have only been preaching lessons and good words & I know till the time I bring a change in someone's life, my saying this can't be justified.

There is something which is drawing & pulling me towards it and my feet are searching for which direction to go. My soul feels restless every time when I view my life only on the surface. I believe a woman doesn't need to have all the pleasures in life. She is able enough to lead her life happily without having prosperity and luxuries around. If she has parents who love her even if she isn't a successful woman, if she is educated and capable to support herself & her family, if she is not devoid of the basic blessings to live normally and independently, if a man can love her even if she may be the most miser & ugly woman around...she has more than everything she deserves. Sometimes, I feel even happiness & togetherness isn't also important...having too many people around for company isn't also important...getting recognition & appreciation for the support she is giving isn't also important. No gains, no possessions & no support needs to find a place in her life.

Meaning for life & purpose of life holds the only & most imperative place. Anything other than that can be lived without or dealt with. There is only one life for me & death is the last truth of this life and between these two extremes, only one question exists....what a woman wants?