Sometimes, it pains being a woman

I understand this subject has been discussed and given enough attention so far. There is a flavour of feminism, fight for women freedom and safety everywhere. And I honestly don’t want to burn my fuel over the arguments again. Because I understand that no amount of argument and discussion over this issue will be sufficient or rather help to serve the cause. We, women, have always been advised to help and to keep a check on ourselves probably to avoid troubles, problems and judgements. When something unfortunate happens, women are blamed for being outside their homes or in an unwanted situation. Short skirts, alcohol consumption with the opposite gender especially in a metro city and other circumstances are attributed with the mishaps occurring with women. But how can we talk about women freedom and safety till we nail the root cause affecting them?

Here, I want to clarify that I am not advocating women liberation or freedom in terms of wearing short clothes, drinking or smoking with male counterparts or late night partying outside home. For me, that is not liberation. Those are just ways of living a lifestyle and one’s own choice. Liberation mostly represents the state of one’s mind. And I consider myself quite liberated due to the free atmosphere at home since my childhood. However, there was always a different world outside home judging me in context of my surroundings, circumstances and situations I was in. And I guess it holds true for most of the women in the country. The incident is still imprinted on my mind and made me wary of my circumstances from an early age.

I was hardly 17 years old then and had finished 12^th board exams.  It was a difficult summer afternoon when the sun was at scorching best, I was dragging my two-wheeler to my IIT-JEE coaching classes. My scooty had got punctured on the way to my classes and all I wanted was a mechanic to leave my scooty at and run…so that I don’t miss my class. I had a Chemistry test that day. For those not familiar with the summer season in Rajasthan, it’s quite blazing and horrible. Especially, afternoons were unbearable. Nobody other than a coaching class student steps out of home during those afternoons. But the classes were unavoidable.  

The sight on the road ahead of me was scary. There was nobody around till my eyes could see. I was all sweaty and dragging my vehicle by the roadside. And suddenly two male figures emerged across the street corner. Familiar of the surrounding favouring their intentions and me being alone on road, they decided in their mind to take it ahead. I could see their lecherous eyes when they came closer. They looked at me as if I was a meatloaf that should be immediately clenched between their claws for consumption. One of them rubbed his privates probably in order to arouse himself for taking plunge in the situation.

All kind of scary thoughts started doing rounds in my mind. What if I shout for help? Will somebody listen from their homes when their desert coolers were switched on with the full speed? What if I run leaving my two-wheeler on the road? We middle class people can’t even leave our pens and books unattended, a scooty was much more. What if I take on them….confront their intentions? This idea wasn’t wise. They were males, physically stronger than what I was at the age of 17. I knew they would easily outnumber me. What if they are carrying an acid bottle with them…perhaps to pour on my face to take revenge from my father who might have curtailed their marks in the practical exams in university. Why did I leave the karate class at school just after one week of enrolling? I should have learnt to defend myself. My mind was flooded with whys, whats, if and buts…and in a single moment, sweating over with the misfortune awaiting me took over the sweating due to weather. Here, I would like to mention that I was wearing a full length jeans and a full sleeved shirt along with a scarf wrapped around my face to avoid sunburns. The only parts visible of my body were eyes, nose and palms.

The sight was a perfect ground for a potential rape…RAPE…this word stirred my soul sending down shivers across my spine. They could easily drag me to the corner of the roadside behind the bushes to serve their intentions. I imagined not reaching home that evening. My mother will wait outside for me. My sisters had planned to watch a movie on TV with me after my test was over. My father would do rounds of my class and the way to search for me. And thinking about all these, my entire body and physical being quivered. My mind went paralyzed and body went numb thinking about…RAPE. In a quick moment, my entire past life fast forwarded in my mind. I envisioned my condition with a distorted body and a soul wrenched. And imagining this, my mind came out of the crippled state all of a sudden and I started thinking of options to save myself. No…I can’t let this happen. If I run, they will easily catch me. What if I stand still? They will think of it as a welcome sign. I decided to fight…in the very last moment. Among getting raped, run or to fight…fight seemed to be the second best choice if running wasn’t helpful.

I left my scooty on road and lifted a big boulder from the roadside. I held it up above my head and shouted… “Don’t you come near me else I will smash your heads. LEAVE.” Stunned by this change in situation, they went into the defending mode. One of them replied stammering “We wanted to help you. We understand your scooty needs to be taken to a mechanic.” I quickly questioned… “I know what help you are talking about. I don’t need your help. LEAVE AT ONCE.” I threatened them again. They looked at each other and left. I took a sigh of relief and looked cautiously around me. I ran dragging my scooty with my full capacity till at least 1 km. I knew there was a mechanic near my coaching classes. I left it over there and went to my class.

Still, that incident haunts me whenever I am outside home alone. Since that day, I have never been outside home after 7 pm alone, not even when I was in US which was better than India in terms of crimes against women. I have never been to a club, disco or a late night movie. Now that I reside in Delhi which is the crime capital of country, I have learnt to live with caution. I can see men only in their eyes now, whether it’s an office colleague, a roadside vendor or someone walking on street. May be I think too much. My female friends share their experiences similar to mine and rebuff my 24x7 cautious state of mind. This is their discretion and I don’t question it now. Yet….

Sometimes, it pains being a woman….

The paradigm shift of my career..

Professions and career building promise half shift in any life and I am no exception to it. When I worked in USA, I was quite happy with the kind of work that came my way. I was one of the youngest in my company and did almost everything right from printing papers to designing skyscrapers. Most of the times, my manager-cum-mentor Mike shared his own personal experience of an entry level engineer..where he advised what all I should be going after to and be a proactive employee. “Purva, you should never restrict yourself just to one type of project. Extend your horizons and be ready for whatever comes your way. And don’t forget…always find time to read and study. Never stop becoming a student.” He said. I had dreamed of working in corporate sector for at least 20-25 years and then happily retire to pursue other dreams of life. However, when I moved back to India, the corporate culture here really disappointed me. No offences to Indian corporate sector though, I didn’t find the work exciting enough to keep me going. I was bored of an uninteresting job where all my work was to fill Excel worksheets with structures designed, attending meetings and endless discussions over project details.

One fine day, my manager gave me a new project and asked me to do some reading on it before I start. Thrilled about designing flyovers and other stuff I never designed, I immersed myself in books and other knowledge imparting things. Soon my manager realized that I was taking it too far to gain knowledge, given the limited office working hours and impending deadlines to deliver.

He came to my desk and said” Purva, I think you are taking it too hard. You don’t need to do research. We have deadlines approaching.”

And I lifted my head buried under the pile of books to answer him. “Sir, I think your worksheets are wrong. I have been checking them for sometime and they have a lot of errors.”

“What do you mean? We have built them over many years. Just start your work. Input your requirements, get the outputs and submit the design.” He rejected.

“Sorry Sir, I can’t produce wrong results knowingly. I am an engineer. Clerk, I am not.” I also retaliated.

My manager was rebuffed with this reply. He declared ”Are you here to work or to study? Stop being a student and start acting on deadlines. If you have so much interest in reading, go join a PhD program. Academics is a much better option for you.”

“Thank you Sir. I will think about it.” I ended the argument. The thoughts shared about me by my manager were doing the rounds in my mind too since long. But the argument with him sealed the stamp on them. I realized it was time to consider the paradigm shift. Taking a leap from a 6 year long corporate life to academics seemed too challenging in the beginning. But I decided to take the risk. I put in my papers and applied to the PhD program at IIT Delhi. My manager was astonished with this development and switched to a convincing mode.

This is the greatest irony in Indian corporate sector which I observed while working both in US and India. In US, when someone works hard, he/she is treated as an asset for the company and is showered with appreciation and encouragement along with varied perks and incentives. While in our own country, if someone puts their heart and soul in job…they are squeezed to the core like a leech. And when the employee resigns, it is when the real appreciation flows in. I was no exception to this mind set.

“I believed you will ascend high considering the amount of hard work you put in and your knowledge. Guess you took my argument seriously.” My manager tried to reason with me. “I hope you will reconsider your decision. I will talk to senior management for your job upgrade and other incentives.”

I was firm on my decision. “Sorry Sir, thanks for your consideration. I have found my way. Any job upgrade would never let me gain knowledge and know what I don’t know. I am better being a student, being a learner. I thank you for showing me the right path.” I uttered words of gratitude. And I joined IIT Delhi.

I don’t say that my life at academics has been peaceful so far. But it is fulfilling and rewarding in real sense. In academics, I stopped…claiming to have known what I didn’t, to have justified wrong results which I knew in my heart to be wrong and to have loved what I was living rather than to have lived what I actually love.  

I am happy to go back to my roots again rather than making a meaningless career…and that is...being a learner for life.

Back to Blogging!!!

Hello everyone!! It has been almost 10 years for me since I last blogged. I won’t say that I didn’t miss it. Life has taken almost 360 degrees shift in these years and the girl who was in her college writing deepest thoughts about her life and the lives she witnessed, is now in early 30s. After a doctorate, marriage and a child…I had started believing that I would never be able to resume writing in this lifetime. But as is said…everything is achievable in this lifetime only.

Life has been running on a critical path all these years. I was quite active blogger during my stint at USA attributing the lonely and mechanical life there. I felt the need of communicating and connecting to people. Blogging happened by chance and gave me tremendous satisfaction to express myself, write about how I see life and the stories of many people crossing my path. And change which was imminent after moving back to India promised a new horizon for writing and posting. But as they say…life surprises you when you least expect it. Reading books crushed under job pressures and writing buried under mundane life affairs. I forgot that I even had a blog.

I was an avid book reader 10 years back and I am feeling bad that I haven’t read any new books in these years. All I read was research papers for a doctorate degree, books on pregnancy and childbirth and ofcourse project reports and documents for an unexciting job. And last week when I felt I should start to read again, I picked up my favourite book from shelf….”Tuesdays with Morrie”. I refer this book as my life saviour in all times. An office colleague at US suggested me this book and it turned out to be a life changer.

“Tuesdays with Morrie” brings the essential pedestal to any writer’s block and to any life stuck in worldly interests. Usually, we humans happily accept all the conventions of life set by and according to societal norms and our previous generations. And why it shouldn’t be…there is a set rule of happiness for almost 90% around us. Study, behave well, write your competitive exams, get a job, get married, have kids and bring them up, live life as normally as possible and then one fine day…hand over the heritage of your life and experiences to the younger generations for them to similarly follow your footsteps. I sometimes wonder and ask myself in the early hours of morning when I retrospect my life…Is it what I want to leave as a legacy for my child? Live as I have lived? Think as I have thought? And perceive life similar to my perceptions? And I do not agree with my own.

I do not wish my child to be part of an unhappy crowd with all the negative kind of perceptions about his surroundings. I want him to experience, fail, experience again and fail again till he discovers his calling. I prefer a happy child on a successful one at the end of my life. I wish to tell him that it is about breaking the barriers and challenging the conventions. It is about following your heart and soul. There is more to life than everyday routine. And that is where your true happiness lies. On a finishing note….as Morrie rightly said in the book “If the culture doesn’t suit you, don’t buy it. Create your own culture.” 

Am I for sale?

After many months, again I am writing something which might not appeal male population of our country. This is more of a heart - wrenching altercation with a college classmate years ago. I guess I was in my Final year then. My college mates know me for two reasons...one, for always being occupied with books and studies & two, for standing up for humans & beliefs. I used to get indulge in arguments with them for reasons people don't want to fight for. Some reasons are true and deeply rooted in our daily basis life. We fret over them but still don't get inclined to stand against them. May be we want an easy life and don't want to invite unnecessary trouble for ourselves.

I have often been termed and labelled as a female chauvinist. One who doesn't want to oppose females & always support them blindly. I know people can not be judged by their genders, belongings, assets & liabilities. But unfortunately I got reasons to stand for women more than men. May be, because even in this 21st century they are still tortured, thrown and trampled upon. I knew I always had this urge to stand against beliefs disrespecting women and this conversation although may seem useless to many, it reinforced my belief in myself.

I arrived on time for the class but the class was cancelled. My classmates & I sat down for a chat to pass time.We had some light discussion but then something came up which didn't appeal me as the conversation rather opinion among 21st century youth. The favourite subject among college goers is career and the second most obvious is marriage. I had a classmate who was a day scholar there. He was the only child of his parents & belonged to a typical rajasthani family. I have spent 18 years of my life in Rajasthan and my family still stays there. I have nothing against the state and its culture. I have seen warmth, harmony and love in relations of those people. That's why it is more difficult for me to see those people talking and following this very concept.

He was among the brilliant students of my class. My professors and classmates used to expect a lot from him. We all were talking about our future career and then its always marriage the next thing where everyone's focus shifts to." Yes, talks of marriage will be the next on the cards after the placement is done. My family is waiting just for my placement and they will accelerate their search." He said. I was kind of astonished as how can people talk about marriage just after getting their offer letters in hand. Isn't there anything that comes between job offer and marriage talks? But I remained silent, I knew my concepts never used to appeal my collegemates. " Ya, parents ride fast once their children start earning. And once you get placed with a big software company, your rate will be as higher as you wish." a friend sitting to his next said.

I didn't understand this. " Excuse me! Rate will be higher? What do you mean by rate?" I interrupted. " Come on Purva, you are talking as if you don't understand anything. It is so prevalent in our society. Nobody denies it and nobody has a problem." the friend replied again. I never trusted that guy on his intelligency skills and may be he was the last person in my class I would want to talk to. But he was talking something which was beyond my understanding as well." Are you talking about "Dowry"? Is he going to ask for money from the girl's family because he will be a great software professional?" And then finally the prospective groom entered the picture.

"Dowry? It isn't called dowry. It is the love, support and understanding of a father that I will be able to support his daughter well. And I will take care of her my whole life, she will be dependent on me every time. She will need my support and I will have to stand by her all time. For that, if her father helps me with some money, what's so harm in that?" He declared.

I was shocked after he stopped. I thought I will leave from there but didn't know somehow I had to stand against it. May be not for me, may be not for the girl he will marry, not even for her family...but for womanhood. " Oh, it isn't dowry. It is the mutual understanding of your and her family. What a beautiful way to show and have the understanding! You want to get into a huge software firm to claim 50 lakhs from a girl's father? You believe you can't earn that much? A father will take care of his daughter whole life, will help her so that she can be independent enough just to hand over his daughter to a wimp like you because he will feed her whole life, he will give her clothes to wear and a roof to stay under. Can't she earn? If you really need money, get a girl who is capable enough to work & earn. That will complement you both. But you guys don't want your women to stop peeling potatoes and come out of kitchen to stand strong with you. You want them to be chickens inside the house and for feeding them, you need money from their families. She is a maid or what? Are you going to pay her for the service she provides to you and your family? You won't. Because whatever a woman does for her man is her duty, but whatever a man does for the woman is his favour & obligation for her. Isn't it? I thought we are engineers, 21st century youth and we have come far ahead of these cliche. But you guys proved me wrong. It doesn't mean which college we go to or what course we do, we will still be like this. What are we...dealers?"

Everyone present there started laughing on me. " Oh my god, you have gone mad, Purva. It is just a small thing. Why are you making a big issue out of it? Calm down. Even your father will think about it and do it at the time of your marriage. It is a common ritual to be followed."they wanted to console me. But it didn't help." I am sorry guys. I don't agree.Whatever a centuries old ritual could be...it doesn't mean that is right. I don't see things in terms of rituals & traditions. I see them in the light of right & wrong. If you hold a ritual and are brave enough to face the world in front of you with it, follow that ritual. But you won't ever do that. And you know why. Because you don't want a marriage which unites two souls. You want a business deal to happen. I wish you luck in this process of selling yourself and buying a girl." I left after that.

After one and half years, I came to know that he got married to a girl whose father gave him 30 lakhs cash, a car and few other utilities. I was in United States for my Masters then. Sometimes, I feel it is of no use for me to study that hard. I may be a topper of my class, earn as much as the guy does, have my own identity, may do wonders. But someday people will still stand up and want to buy me. No wonder, people kill their girl child and throw them in garbage. It is better than selling them....

Vyatha ek ped ki....

Main vriksha hoon is chaurahe ka
mera apna koi gaanv nahi.
mere tan se lipat ta na kisi ka aanchal
mere sar par bhi koi chaanv nahi.

Main khada hua hoon barson se
is zameen mein apni jadein jamaaye hue.
kuch shaakhon mein samete hoon apna aakaar
meri saansen hai yeh patte lehlahaaye hue.

Maine aksar logon ko kahte suna hai
mera hona is raaste par ek vardaan hai.
main hoon sukun har thaki hui zindagi ka
mujhse nikalti hui har raah aasaan hai.

Main yunhi ek adna sa beej tha, ki ek din pada paaya apne maali ko
maali bola, main tujhe ped banaunga.
tu janma hai panapne ke liye
yun tujhe nasht hone na doonga.

Maali ne jeevan daan diya mujhe
mahino khaad aur paani se seencha.
raksha ki meri junglee jaanwaro se
mere sar par apne sneh ka aanchal kheencha.

Main khilne laga, lehlahaa utha
maali ki mehnat rang laai.
meri daaliyan bhar gayi meethe phalon se
meri jadein duur-duur tak ja samaai.

Main peeta gaya, samet ta gaya
har aansu aur dard ko jo mujhse lipat jaata tha.
musafir aate gaye do pal chaanv ki talaash mein
main aasra aur sukun un sabke liye ban jaata tha.

Ek din maali aaya mera paas aur bola
"tera doosro par sab kuch lutaana mujhe sweekaar nahi.
maine tujhe seencha hai, ek beej se ped banne tak
mere alawa tujh par kisi aur ka koi adhikaar nahi.

Tu ab se kisi ko kuch na dega
tera sab kuch sadaiv mera hi hoga.
maine mehnat ki hai tujhe bada karne mein
tere phal mere siva koi aur kyun lega."

Main maali ko sun hua bahut hairaan...
"Tu mujhse apni koshishon ki keemat maangne aaya hai?
tere prayaas agar mujhpar koi karz hai to bas itna bata
kaunsa beta apne paalanhaar ko iski keemat de paaya hai?

Meri jadein dharti mein bahut gehri hai
main yahan se ukhad kar kahi aur jaa nahi sakta.
main deta aaya hoon chaanv, phal aur aasra sabhi ko
main ab kisi se yeh wapas paa nahi sakta.

Tu chahta hai main sirf tera hi rahun
to mujhe beej se ped na banaaya hota.
mujhe khaak mein kyun na mil jaane diya
main itna gehra to na samaaya hota.

Ab yahan se kahi aur na jaa sakunga
kisi praani ko apna sab dene se na rok paunga.
tu utha kulhaadi aur kaat de mera sar
tab zinda bacha to kya, aaj kat jaunga."

Maali chala gaya tay kar mere anth ka din
kal jab meri aatma par prahaar ho.
isse pahle ki main kat kar toot giru
ishvar aaj hi mera antim pranaam sweekaar ho.

Thaam le meri aatma ko bhagwan
main sirf apne liye kabhi jee na sakunga.
saari umar sab kuch deta aaya hoon apna
kabhi kisi se ab kuch le na sakunga.

Tu jeevan dega mujhe phir kisi din
tu chahega to main phir se janam loonga.
bas yahi vardaan de mujhe aaj marne se pahle
ki main agle janam mein bhi ped hi banunga....

Ek chota sa sawaal hai mera.......
Apna sab kuch doosro ko dene waala ped jab
apne maali ko keemat de nahi sakta,
to hum to insaan hai....
Kya len-den, keemat paana aur chukaana,
sauda aur vyapaar
yahi ek paalan karne waale ki pehchaan hai?

A day at SURMAN

I wanted to write about it earlier but due to a new job and getting settled in a different corporate life here, I couldn't. In last month I got to live with family after a long time, got a job, got to meet old friends...and among these moments, I had a very heart-warming experience. There is an organization called SURMAN in jaipur for orphan and destitute children, and it tries to give them a secured, loved and happy life & future. I went there and met Mrs. Manan Chaturvedi who laid the foundation of this organization. It was very overwhelming to see her working for the street children and trying to give them a secured and loved life and shape their future.

I came to know about it through a local newspaper of Jaipur and baba told me about it. We both decided to pay there a visit and see how people work towards someone they don't know. Some of the children there....were from streets, some were orphans, girls disowned and thrown into garbage by their family and many more. Talking to Mrs. Manan was like seeing a mirror. She was fashion designer by profession and one day when she came to jaipur and saw an orphan girl of 8-9 years of age wrapped up in torn clothes & searching food from a dustbin, she realized what led her to SURMAN. She said" I asked myself...for whom am I going to design clothes when people don't have clothes to wear on their bodies." She started this organization with 5 kids and now it has 44 children who are leading a life better than what they had before.

When we came back home after talking to her for 2-3 hours, I got immersed thinking deeply about the day's experience before sleeping.When I was younger, I used to think if it was so easy to love and care for people who are stranger for you. We spend a life with our family and why would anyone else other than them will hold importance in our lives. But when I see people like Mrs. Manan, I feel yes it is....She is taking care of her children as well as the children in SURMAN and that reinforces my belief in the concept that even though people are unknown, they are important. The experience at SURMAN & the children there formed a web of thoughts in my mind.

How is it to be an orphan kid? I have seen my family loving & taking care of me from the day I wasn't even able to understand life. But placing oneself on such kids' place, this thought itself is so dreadful and haunting that you don't know who your parents are. One fine day, you find yourself on streets, in a garbage bin or on temple's doorsteps left to die everyday before you actually die. And at a tender age of 8 or 10 years, when a kid only bothers about playing with kids of his/her age and getting to eat what they want to...these kids may be searching food to eat and shelter to spend their nights. Getting education and an opportunity to be someone to feel proud of is a thought next to impossible. We live each day and dream a bright future...and these children die each day towards the day they will actually die.

When I went inside where the children were playing, one kid ran and hugged my legs, I lifted him up and he smiled at me. The innocence on his face, unknown with the fact that I was a stranger to him...and the expression was worth more than what I achieve for myself. For few moments amongst those children...while playing, caressing, loving them...I forgot even my own identity. I have experienced many moments of success and achievements but the moments I spent at SURMAN were unforgettable and most precious ones.

I expressed my desire to Mrs. Manan about joining hands with her and helping her for this better cause. And she asked me a question. She asked" What is your destiny?" I smiled & replied" Ma'm, I don't have any destination. I only have a path." After getting the answer, she said " That is very nice to know. One should never have any set destination for getting into this. If you make a destination, you will expect returns of this work you are doing. And this work can never return you anything other than the smiles on these kids' faces and their secure future. But having a set path of helping people can return you better things. It can give your life a meaning, and I feel thats the most important thing in life."

Those who feel can contribute towards it can go to the website of SURMAN listed here...http://www.surmansansthan.org/....The children need our help to lead a normal life like all of us.

I was very happy when I returned home from SURMAN. That lady didn't have a lot of riches in life for herself, but she was happy, content and at peace with herself in what she was doing. Getting assets and recognition in life is very easy I guess, but getting peace is difficult. And maximum times, the way which leads to the peace of life doesn't align with the way which leads to achievements & riches. The path to the peace of mind begins from one's inner self and culminates in something & someone other than self. I certainly haven't found where my true peace lies, because everything I have done has ended up in me only....Probably, this is the beginning of it....

What a woman wants?

So, I spent last one month at home. Before gearing up for a new step here, I wanted to spend time with family. I got indulged in many serious discussions with my father. It is always important for me to discuss about life with baba. His real words work as a tonic for me. He told me after a few conversations that I have become very sensitive than what I was before I left for US to study. And I heard him talking to ma also about the same. I accept that I was a bit different human being when I had gone to US. And these 3 years taught me a lot more than what I learned past 22 years. Three years back, may be I wanted to have everything in my life. I was the most important person for myself. I was running after everything and life was acting only as a mirage. My happiness was my only concern and pain was not evident to me clearly. Today, life seems like an open ground to me. I see beauty and I touch what is humane.

I know that I think a lot. And honestly speaking, I think most of the times about human beings, around me or away. At first, I used to search for my pound of happiness in others' pictures. Over the years, after this shallow thinking about myself only, I realized about the pains others undergo. So far, my self-interests have made me too mean and selfish. I never gave a thought of what is most important in life. This time, when I shared this feeling with baba, he told me that I am beginning to transform from a girl's thinking to a woman's. I think I have entered in the phase of self-analysis. Everyone reaches this particular phase at some point of time in their lives. And this self-analysis opens the door to self-realization. I analyze myself many times, where my thoughts are going, where my life is heading towards, what do I want.....What actually a woman wants?

I dreamed about everything I wanted that makes an easy, comfortable and convenient life. I thought all the pleasures around me will give me happiness. My life encountered with many people afterward to make me realize that happiness in these pleasures isn't the happiness I am looking for. Life doesn't find its way we want it to. It takes a way treading on which we have to choose what is most important for us. My life always took a different and atypical way, and when I tried to find my happiness the way everyone does, it didn't align with the path I was walking on. My family wanted me to gain all the materialistic things a normal girl will be happy with. And I found my happiness in letting go all of them. I was made many times to draw inspiration from the examples of people who made it to riches, success and prosperity. But I felt motivated by a poor man who tried living his life even after losing his legs, a hand and an eye. I didn't realize the value of having parents till I met a girl who lost everyone in her family in less than a moment. I have seen rich and prosperous people who have bashed their cars on people walking on road-side, and I have also seen miseries of an orphan child and an illiterate man & woman, but what moved me to the core was misery & not prosperity.

Sometimes, after achieving everything I feel...what for? What will I choose if I am given to choose...prosperity & security for life OR miseries of a needy one. I feel dead many times in this world. My faith in being good and do good doesn't succumb to die so easily and evils & self- interests tear my spirits apart. I stand helpless in front of god asking him either to take away this thoughtfulness or to make me powerful enough to help people lead a better life. I know it completely that most of the times I seem a confused, lifeless and impractical human being. I haven't done anything good so far for anyone. I have only been preaching lessons and good words & I know till the time I bring a change in someone's life, my saying this can't be justified.

There is something which is drawing & pulling me towards it and my feet are searching for which direction to go. My soul feels restless every time when I view my life only on the surface. I believe a woman doesn't need to have all the pleasures in life. She is able enough to lead her life happily without having prosperity and luxuries around. If she has parents who love her even if she isn't a successful woman, if she is educated and capable to support herself & her family, if she is not devoid of the basic blessings to live normally and independently, if a man can love her even if she may be the most miser & ugly woman around...she has more than everything she deserves. Sometimes, I feel even happiness & togetherness isn't also important...having too many people around for company isn't also important...getting recognition & appreciation for the support she is giving isn't also important. No gains, no possessions & no support needs to find a place in her life.

Meaning for life & purpose of life holds the only & most imperative place. Anything other than that can be lived without or dealt with. There is only one life for me & death is the last truth of this life and between these two extremes, only one question exists....what a woman wants?