Sometimes, it pains being a woman

I understand this subject has been discussed and given enough attention so far. There is a flavour of feminism, fight for women freedom and safety everywhere. And I honestly don’t want to burn my fuel over the arguments again. Because I understand that no amount of argument and discussion over this issue will be sufficient or rather help to serve the cause. We, women, have always been advised to help and to keep a check on ourselves probably to avoid troubles, problems and judgements. When something unfortunate happens, women are blamed for being outside their homes or in an unwanted situation. Short skirts, alcohol consumption with the opposite gender especially in a metro city and other circumstances are attributed with the mishaps occurring with women. But how can we talk about women freedom and safety till we nail the root cause affecting them?

Here, I want to clarify that I am not advocating women liberation or freedom in terms of wearing short clothes, drinking or smoking with male counterparts or late night partying outside home. For me, that is not liberation. Those are just ways of living a lifestyle and one’s own choice. Liberation mostly represents the state of one’s mind. And I consider myself quite liberated due to the free atmosphere at home since my childhood. However, there was always a different world outside home judging me in context of my surroundings, circumstances and situations I was in. And I guess it holds true for most of the women in the country. The incident is still imprinted on my mind and made me wary of my circumstances from an early age.

I was hardly 17 years old then and had finished 12^th board exams.  It was a difficult summer afternoon when the sun was at scorching best, I was dragging my two-wheeler to my IIT-JEE coaching classes. My scooty had got punctured on the way to my classes and all I wanted was a mechanic to leave my scooty at and run…so that I don’t miss my class. I had a Chemistry test that day. For those not familiar with the summer season in Rajasthan, it’s quite blazing and horrible. Especially, afternoons were unbearable. Nobody other than a coaching class student steps out of home during those afternoons. But the classes were unavoidable.  

The sight on the road ahead of me was scary. There was nobody around till my eyes could see. I was all sweaty and dragging my vehicle by the roadside. And suddenly two male figures emerged across the street corner. Familiar of the surrounding favouring their intentions and me being alone on road, they decided in their mind to take it ahead. I could see their lecherous eyes when they came closer. They looked at me as if I was a meatloaf that should be immediately clenched between their claws for consumption. One of them rubbed his privates probably in order to arouse himself for taking plunge in the situation.

All kind of scary thoughts started doing rounds in my mind. What if I shout for help? Will somebody listen from their homes when their desert coolers were switched on with the full speed? What if I run leaving my two-wheeler on the road? We middle class people can’t even leave our pens and books unattended, a scooty was much more. What if I take on them….confront their intentions? This idea wasn’t wise. They were males, physically stronger than what I was at the age of 17. I knew they would easily outnumber me. What if they are carrying an acid bottle with them…perhaps to pour on my face to take revenge from my father who might have curtailed their marks in the practical exams in university. Why did I leave the karate class at school just after one week of enrolling? I should have learnt to defend myself. My mind was flooded with whys, whats, if and buts…and in a single moment, sweating over with the misfortune awaiting me took over the sweating due to weather. Here, I would like to mention that I was wearing a full length jeans and a full sleeved shirt along with a scarf wrapped around my face to avoid sunburns. The only parts visible of my body were eyes, nose and palms.

The sight was a perfect ground for a potential rape…RAPE…this word stirred my soul sending down shivers across my spine. They could easily drag me to the corner of the roadside behind the bushes to serve their intentions. I imagined not reaching home that evening. My mother will wait outside for me. My sisters had planned to watch a movie on TV with me after my test was over. My father would do rounds of my class and the way to search for me. And thinking about all these, my entire body and physical being quivered. My mind went paralyzed and body went numb thinking about…RAPE. In a quick moment, my entire past life fast forwarded in my mind. I envisioned my condition with a distorted body and a soul wrenched. And imagining this, my mind came out of the crippled state all of a sudden and I started thinking of options to save myself. No…I can’t let this happen. If I run, they will easily catch me. What if I stand still? They will think of it as a welcome sign. I decided to fight…in the very last moment. Among getting raped, run or to fight…fight seemed to be the second best choice if running wasn’t helpful.

I left my scooty on road and lifted a big boulder from the roadside. I held it up above my head and shouted… “Don’t you come near me else I will smash your heads. LEAVE.” Stunned by this change in situation, they went into the defending mode. One of them replied stammering “We wanted to help you. We understand your scooty needs to be taken to a mechanic.” I quickly questioned… “I know what help you are talking about. I don’t need your help. LEAVE AT ONCE.” I threatened them again. They looked at each other and left. I took a sigh of relief and looked cautiously around me. I ran dragging my scooty with my full capacity till at least 1 km. I knew there was a mechanic near my coaching classes. I left it over there and went to my class.

Still, that incident haunts me whenever I am outside home alone. Since that day, I have never been outside home after 7 pm alone, not even when I was in US which was better than India in terms of crimes against women. I have never been to a club, disco or a late night movie. Now that I reside in Delhi which is the crime capital of country, I have learnt to live with caution. I can see men only in their eyes now, whether it’s an office colleague, a roadside vendor or someone walking on street. May be I think too much. My female friends share their experiences similar to mine and rebuff my 24x7 cautious state of mind. This is their discretion and I don’t question it now. Yet….

Sometimes, it pains being a woman….