Sometimes, it pains being a woman

I understand this subject has been discussed and given enough attention so far. There is a flavour of feminism, fight for women freedom and safety everywhere. And I honestly don’t want to burn my fuel over the arguments again. Because I understand that no amount of argument and discussion over this issue will be sufficient or rather help to serve the cause. We, women, have always been advised to help and to keep a check on ourselves probably to avoid troubles, problems and judgements. When something unfortunate happens, women are blamed for being outside their homes or in an unwanted situation. Short skirts, alcohol consumption with the opposite gender especially in a metro city and other circumstances are attributed with the mishaps occurring with women. But how can we talk about women freedom and safety till we nail the root cause affecting them?

Here, I want to clarify that I am not advocating women liberation or freedom in terms of wearing short clothes, drinking or smoking with male counterparts or late night partying outside home. For me, that is not liberation. Those are just ways of living a lifestyle and one’s own choice. Liberation mostly represents the state of one’s mind. And I consider myself quite liberated due to the free atmosphere at home since my childhood. However, there was always a different world outside home judging me in context of my surroundings, circumstances and situations I was in. And I guess it holds true for most of the women in the country. The incident is still imprinted on my mind and made me wary of my circumstances from an early age.

I was hardly 17 years old then and had finished 12^th board exams.  It was a difficult summer afternoon when the sun was at scorching best, I was dragging my two-wheeler to my IIT-JEE coaching classes. My scooty had got punctured on the way to my classes and all I wanted was a mechanic to leave my scooty at and run…so that I don’t miss my class. I had a Chemistry test that day. For those not familiar with the summer season in Rajasthan, it’s quite blazing and horrible. Especially, afternoons were unbearable. Nobody other than a coaching class student steps out of home during those afternoons. But the classes were unavoidable.  

The sight on the road ahead of me was scary. There was nobody around till my eyes could see. I was all sweaty and dragging my vehicle by the roadside. And suddenly two male figures emerged across the street corner. Familiar of the surrounding favouring their intentions and me being alone on road, they decided in their mind to take it ahead. I could see their lecherous eyes when they came closer. They looked at me as if I was a meatloaf that should be immediately clenched between their claws for consumption. One of them rubbed his privates probably in order to arouse himself for taking plunge in the situation.

All kind of scary thoughts started doing rounds in my mind. What if I shout for help? Will somebody listen from their homes when their desert coolers were switched on with the full speed? What if I run leaving my two-wheeler on the road? We middle class people can’t even leave our pens and books unattended, a scooty was much more. What if I take on them….confront their intentions? This idea wasn’t wise. They were males, physically stronger than what I was at the age of 17. I knew they would easily outnumber me. What if they are carrying an acid bottle with them…perhaps to pour on my face to take revenge from my father who might have curtailed their marks in the practical exams in university. Why did I leave the karate class at school just after one week of enrolling? I should have learnt to defend myself. My mind was flooded with whys, whats, if and buts…and in a single moment, sweating over with the misfortune awaiting me took over the sweating due to weather. Here, I would like to mention that I was wearing a full length jeans and a full sleeved shirt along with a scarf wrapped around my face to avoid sunburns. The only parts visible of my body were eyes, nose and palms.

The sight was a perfect ground for a potential rape…RAPE…this word stirred my soul sending down shivers across my spine. They could easily drag me to the corner of the roadside behind the bushes to serve their intentions. I imagined not reaching home that evening. My mother will wait outside for me. My sisters had planned to watch a movie on TV with me after my test was over. My father would do rounds of my class and the way to search for me. And thinking about all these, my entire body and physical being quivered. My mind went paralyzed and body went numb thinking about…RAPE. In a quick moment, my entire past life fast forwarded in my mind. I envisioned my condition with a distorted body and a soul wrenched. And imagining this, my mind came out of the crippled state all of a sudden and I started thinking of options to save myself. No…I can’t let this happen. If I run, they will easily catch me. What if I stand still? They will think of it as a welcome sign. I decided to fight…in the very last moment. Among getting raped, run or to fight…fight seemed to be the second best choice if running wasn’t helpful.

I left my scooty on road and lifted a big boulder from the roadside. I held it up above my head and shouted… “Don’t you come near me else I will smash your heads. LEAVE.” Stunned by this change in situation, they went into the defending mode. One of them replied stammering “We wanted to help you. We understand your scooty needs to be taken to a mechanic.” I quickly questioned… “I know what help you are talking about. I don’t need your help. LEAVE AT ONCE.” I threatened them again. They looked at each other and left. I took a sigh of relief and looked cautiously around me. I ran dragging my scooty with my full capacity till at least 1 km. I knew there was a mechanic near my coaching classes. I left it over there and went to my class.

Still, that incident haunts me whenever I am outside home alone. Since that day, I have never been outside home after 7 pm alone, not even when I was in US which was better than India in terms of crimes against women. I have never been to a club, disco or a late night movie. Now that I reside in Delhi which is the crime capital of country, I have learnt to live with caution. I can see men only in their eyes now, whether it’s an office colleague, a roadside vendor or someone walking on street. May be I think too much. My female friends share their experiences similar to mine and rebuff my 24x7 cautious state of mind. This is their discretion and I don’t question it now. Yet….

Sometimes, it pains being a woman….

The paradigm shift of my career..

Professions and career building promise half shift in any life and I am no exception to it. When I worked in USA, I was quite happy with the kind of work that came my way. I was one of the youngest in my company and did almost everything right from printing papers to designing skyscrapers. Most of the times, my manager-cum-mentor Mike shared his own personal experience of an entry level engineer..where he advised what all I should be going after to and be a proactive employee. “Purva, you should never restrict yourself just to one type of project. Extend your horizons and be ready for whatever comes your way. And don’t forget…always find time to read and study. Never stop becoming a student.” He said. I had dreamed of working in corporate sector for at least 20-25 years and then happily retire to pursue other dreams of life. However, when I moved back to India, the corporate culture here really disappointed me. No offences to Indian corporate sector though, I didn’t find the work exciting enough to keep me going. I was bored of an uninteresting job where all my work was to fill Excel worksheets with structures designed, attending meetings and endless discussions over project details.

One fine day, my manager gave me a new project and asked me to do some reading on it before I start. Thrilled about designing flyovers and other stuff I never designed, I immersed myself in books and other knowledge imparting things. Soon my manager realized that I was taking it too far to gain knowledge, given the limited office working hours and impending deadlines to deliver.

He came to my desk and said” Purva, I think you are taking it too hard. You don’t need to do research. We have deadlines approaching.”

And I lifted my head buried under the pile of books to answer him. “Sir, I think your worksheets are wrong. I have been checking them for sometime and they have a lot of errors.”

“What do you mean? We have built them over many years. Just start your work. Input your requirements, get the outputs and submit the design.” He rejected.

“Sorry Sir, I can’t produce wrong results knowingly. I am an engineer. Clerk, I am not.” I also retaliated.

My manager was rebuffed with this reply. He declared ”Are you here to work or to study? Stop being a student and start acting on deadlines. If you have so much interest in reading, go join a PhD program. Academics is a much better option for you.”

“Thank you Sir. I will think about it.” I ended the argument. The thoughts shared about me by my manager were doing the rounds in my mind too since long. But the argument with him sealed the stamp on them. I realized it was time to consider the paradigm shift. Taking a leap from a 6 year long corporate life to academics seemed too challenging in the beginning. But I decided to take the risk. I put in my papers and applied to the PhD program at IIT Delhi. My manager was astonished with this development and switched to a convincing mode.

This is the greatest irony in Indian corporate sector which I observed while working both in US and India. In US, when someone works hard, he/she is treated as an asset for the company and is showered with appreciation and encouragement along with varied perks and incentives. While in our own country, if someone puts their heart and soul in job…they are squeezed to the core like a leech. And when the employee resigns, it is when the real appreciation flows in. I was no exception to this mind set.

“I believed you will ascend high considering the amount of hard work you put in and your knowledge. Guess you took my argument seriously.” My manager tried to reason with me. “I hope you will reconsider your decision. I will talk to senior management for your job upgrade and other incentives.”

I was firm on my decision. “Sorry Sir, thanks for your consideration. I have found my way. Any job upgrade would never let me gain knowledge and know what I don’t know. I am better being a student, being a learner. I thank you for showing me the right path.” I uttered words of gratitude. And I joined IIT Delhi.

I don’t say that my life at academics has been peaceful so far. But it is fulfilling and rewarding in real sense. In academics, I stopped…claiming to have known what I didn’t, to have justified wrong results which I knew in my heart to be wrong and to have loved what I was living rather than to have lived what I actually love.  

I am happy to go back to my roots again rather than making a meaningless career…and that is...being a learner for life.

Back to Blogging!!!

Hello everyone!! It has been almost 10 years for me since I last blogged. I won’t say that I didn’t miss it. Life has taken almost 360 degrees shift in these years and the girl who was in her college writing deepest thoughts about her life and the lives she witnessed, is now in early 30s. After a doctorate, marriage and a child…I had started believing that I would never be able to resume writing in this lifetime. But as is said…everything is achievable in this lifetime only.

Life has been running on a critical path all these years. I was quite active blogger during my stint at USA attributing the lonely and mechanical life there. I felt the need of communicating and connecting to people. Blogging happened by chance and gave me tremendous satisfaction to express myself, write about how I see life and the stories of many people crossing my path. And change which was imminent after moving back to India promised a new horizon for writing and posting. But as they say…life surprises you when you least expect it. Reading books crushed under job pressures and writing buried under mundane life affairs. I forgot that I even had a blog.

I was an avid book reader 10 years back and I am feeling bad that I haven’t read any new books in these years. All I read was research papers for a doctorate degree, books on pregnancy and childbirth and ofcourse project reports and documents for an unexciting job. And last week when I felt I should start to read again, I picked up my favourite book from shelf….”Tuesdays with Morrie”. I refer this book as my life saviour in all times. An office colleague at US suggested me this book and it turned out to be a life changer.

“Tuesdays with Morrie” brings the essential pedestal to any writer’s block and to any life stuck in worldly interests. Usually, we humans happily accept all the conventions of life set by and according to societal norms and our previous generations. And why it shouldn’t be…there is a set rule of happiness for almost 90% around us. Study, behave well, write your competitive exams, get a job, get married, have kids and bring them up, live life as normally as possible and then one fine day…hand over the heritage of your life and experiences to the younger generations for them to similarly follow your footsteps. I sometimes wonder and ask myself in the early hours of morning when I retrospect my life…Is it what I want to leave as a legacy for my child? Live as I have lived? Think as I have thought? And perceive life similar to my perceptions? And I do not agree with my own.

I do not wish my child to be part of an unhappy crowd with all the negative kind of perceptions about his surroundings. I want him to experience, fail, experience again and fail again till he discovers his calling. I prefer a happy child on a successful one at the end of my life. I wish to tell him that it is about breaking the barriers and challenging the conventions. It is about following your heart and soul. There is more to life than everyday routine. And that is where your true happiness lies. On a finishing note….as Morrie rightly said in the book “If the culture doesn’t suit you, don’t buy it. Create your own culture.”