God and Ambitions....

"Ambition knows no god"...I read this line in some book long back. I couldn't understand it then. I went on to aim many achievements and forgot it completely. I always thought that to lead an ambition free life is something next to impossible. Human being is bound to have some ambitions to progress ahead in life. And I was no exception to it. I used to have 100 ambitions in life. It is difficult sometimes to think beyond ambitions. The life of a small kid is about playing, enjoying life and spending time the way every kid will do. A small kid is always the most innocent soul on this planet, free from all worries, struggles yet to come and race of survival of the fittest. The moment he/she starts growing, people tell them to be something, to do something extraordinary which nobody else has ever done before, to achieve a lot in life, to have ambitions, to excel in life.

I was also a free soul earlier when I was a kid. I never had any ambitions of making it to high. Some time later, when I was growing, I started getting influenced from people around me. I didn't know about this harsh outside world then. I thought if I manage to achieve something big, land up somewhere where I can earn like hell, become a famous name and a powerful person...then only my life will be better. I used to dream days and nights to succeed in whatever work I do. I don't say that dreaming to excel in life is not good. One should always dream to be better than before and self. But I was competing against the world. Whenever I achieved anything, I was happier that I left someone behind in the competition. I never felt content that it is something which is an outcome of my efforts. I was craving more for the appreciation from people who were competing with me. I think it happens with most of the people. Climbing higher in someone's mind holds more importance than climbing the ladder of success.

Later on, I proceeded ahead on the same track. I have been a very weak person from inside. Success pushed me to go out in the world and let people know about it. And when failure enveloped me, I hated stepping out of my own sphere of solitude. And this attitude never let me become more than an insect. To become a good human being was an uphill task for me. Over the years, I realized that no success and failure is able enough to distract you from becoming a good human being. I realized that I forgot to live my life first, to be a good human being around, to help people in need, to listen to the inner voice of god inside me. My inner voice didn't wake me up when I was aiming towards achieving success. Though success also never made me happy completely. Because I aspired for something else after that and it continued on and on. These mirages of "what next now" formed a cobweb around me and I didn't take out time to know where my life is heading. Everytime, there was a material aim and an avarice desire. When I felt suffocated in this mesh around me, I remembered this line one day, " Ambition knows no god". Then I realized that I forgot to talk to god all this while.

I was an atheist till 12th standard. Protected by my family and too busy in all mundane affairs, I always denied the existence of god. I used to think nobody else loves and protects you other than your family. I never needed god before. Needing someone doesn't let us to appreciate our true feelings. Family can be a need, but god can't be. My mother tried hard to ignite my faith in god. But faith can't be ignited or forced in anyone. It has to originate naturally and on its own. I started getting closer to god after I joined college. I had developed my own beliefs in god. I used to visit temples a lot and used to search him there. I thought may be the peace inside a temple is required to connect with him. I used to converse with him in temples. After some time, I felt that peace inside a mind is more important than peace inside a temple. And then, my god started communicating with me every moment. Even when I am home, or outside, or in a temple, or doing any work. It has been 8 long years of my faith in god.

He asked me one day" Where are you heading towards? Is this what I created you for? Material gains, plastic ambitions and greedy desires? I want you to feel the happiness inside you first and you are looking for it everywhere in this world. Look within yourself. You have wrapped yourself in your artificial ambitions. How will you listen to my voice then? Ambitions can't accompany you till the end, I can. But, you have to be friend with your soul first. No success makes you happy and gives you peace of mind, still you are running after it whole life?" Those questions wrenched me completely. I feel I woke up after a long sleep. I feel I spent past 25 years in running after hollow ambitions. Every success and failure fades away eventually and nothing material leaves any mark on me. I felt the day I die and meet god, I won't even have one mark to show on my soul of any good deeds I did here.

My life has been a blend of many ambitions and desires for me and my family so far. Ambition should be to live life. Ambition shouldn't be to die for worldly pleasures all the time. And today, I feel again like the free soul of a kid I was. I feel ambition-less. I don't feel to achieve anything now, no gains, no material success. The only ambition which is left now is to find myself. I listen to my inner voice more than ever I did before. I feel the presence and protection of god with me more than ever I felt before. My quest to be a good human being begins now. Though it took very long, but I believe...to be a good human being, one doesn't need to go any extra miles. Just believe in god and try to be friends with your soul. He will take care of everything after that. I realize now that I was right. God can't be a need, he is the soul of life. And ambitions don't accompany us till the end, but he does....always...

The beauty unseen....

After mentioning about my blind music teacher in my last post, I received a few requests and messages of people willing to know about him. Since I have already posted his story on my old rediffblog, I am not posting his story word by word again. And because rediff people and I don't work well together, I will let this blog to disentangle more threads about him here. This post is not his complete story. It is more of the relation we both shared when I was his student. This post is an account of the invaluable conversations we did then. Before I begin, I would like to introduce him to this world.

I was kind of complaining and negative attitude person till the moment I met him. My life starts with him when I was in 3rd standard. My father got me admitted to the local music school of that town despite my reluctance in learning music. He used to take first year class in the school. And I thank god that I got the chance to learn my first step of music from him. Had it been someone else other than him, I wouldn't have known some beautiful aspects of life along with his music lessons. He was a very humble and gentle man and he was quite easy on students. Since the day I began with him, I was attracted to the magnetic persona. His blindness by birth never let me think even for a moment that it could obstruct me to connect with that deep soul.

He never went to regular school, never enjoyed the tits-bits lovely moments and happiness of life. After graduating from my music school, he joined there only as a music teacher and started teaching students. He fulfilled all his responsibilities as a son and a brother. His brother and sisters got settled in their personal and professional lives with his earnest dedication and care. He remained unmarried and stayed all alone his life. But he searched his being in music. My school and the students studying there became his world. His capturing smile and energy and desire to live life taught me that life is not about fretting and regretting over what we don't have, infact it's about living and looking at life through a vision that says life is beautiful even if it doesn't give you whatever you desire.

I used to sit near to him all the time not only to learn what he is teaching but also to feel how he feels music. He couldn't see all of us sitting, yet he saw music better than anyone I have met. Music was not a profession for him...it was a worship of god, life and his soul for him. At home, while practicing his lessons...I used to close my eyes to get into the mode he used to be. My class was always 2 hours long, but I used to reach earlier to learn what I couldn't do in the regular class. I still remember him recognizing me from my footstep and calling my name after entering the class. We did long practice sessions when I represented my school on State level. And those moments turned out to be the most beautiful moments of my being. It used to be heaven for me in that room with me only and my teacher around immersing to the core of music and life.

What a lovely relation it was....between a man who never saw anything in his life and a girl who never saw life in anything. He penetrated in my mind somehow and realized my attitude towards life. He told me one day" You sing really well, your voice tells me that you are a good human being. That is the first step of being a good musician. Only a good person can be a good singer. Music is not like cramming your text-books and writing your exams. You first need to pass the exam within yourself. If you can't see the life in a positive light, you won't be able to see the beauty of music." And I wondered how one can see music. I asked him.

And he replied"Ofcourse, we can see music. You open your eyes and see everything running and moving around in this world, you see all the evils, miseries and troubles with good things ofcourse. Just close your eyes once, you will see only beautiful things inside your soul, you will rather feel. God can't be seen, values can't be seen, pleasure can't be seen and emotions can't be seen...still you see their beauty, you feel them. Same way, music can't be seen...still it is visible in the same divine form as god is."I used to listen all these precious words silently. Life had started turning in a beauty for me with him. I asked him one day" Sir, you don't feel bad or don't you complain to god that he made you blind? Life could have been better for you other way."

And he smiled" No, life is better for me the way I want to see it. I have questions for god, not complaints. May be, I will ask him this question when I die and meet him. But that day is far ahead. Why should I spend my life in complaining or blaming him? Let me live this life first that he blessed. I am saving all my questions for the day I meet him." And I used to think, only able and complete people have that attitude. He was lacking vision and still life was a beauty for him. I wonder sometimes that we don't feel meeting and making relations with such people. When we avoid these people, we make ourselves devoid of an inner pleasure which we find only with such kind of human beings.

When I graduated and was leaving my school, I went to seek his blessings. I couldn't tell him this during my learning. But since it was last day at school, I said" Sir, I can't express in words what I have learned from you. I really wish and pray that one day I have enough money, I will try my best to get your eyes operated and help you see this world." He smiled and said" God bless you dear, I don't want to discourage you and I sincerely appreciate your concern for me. But my eyes can't be operated. I am blind by birth. And such people are destined to live this way. For all these years, I have made music my eyes. Let me live my life this way only."

He sensed my disappointment and then he said" Why are you feeling bad? I see everything in this world and I will definitely see. Main tumhari aankhon se is duniya ko dekhunga na...do you believe any doctor can give me more beautiful eyes than you can give?I don't think so. If you really want to help me seeing, just be a good human being and see life as a beauty. Not only me, but other vision less people will also see the beauty through your eyes. Will you be my eyes for this life?"...And I nodded my head.

I might have seemed a bit off track in this post, but I am emotionally very attached to my guru. When I wrote this, I was just feeling those moments....Sir,I have no words to explain how you transformed my life. I saw the unseen beauty of life through you. I close my eyes and see music and god inside me. I feel all the beautiful features. I open my eyes and I see you seeing all the beauty of this world through me. I know you would never be able to read this...but I definitely want to tell that you still live in my music and me....and till the moment I am able to see the world, you will see the world....

For you, teacher....

Teachers hold special places in one's life. No matter what form of learning is acquired. I believe, a teacher is a messenger of god who teaches what god wants us to learn. In fact, life acts as a teacher when there is no human being present in one's life to essay the role. I am quite fortunate in this regard to have been blessed by teachers who not only taught me text books but life also. My parents and sisters are my best teachers 24x7 to learn what needs to reform my being. I belong to a family of teaching professionals. I met many teachers during the course of my student life. I have already shared the story of my blind music teacher earlier. There are some more who come for me on the same level.

Recently, I was telling a friend about one of my teacher who taught me English during 6th-8th standard. And then I got this idea of sharing his story on this blog. He was a retired teacher of a govt. school where he used to teach English and a 75 years old man with an athletic spirit and activity. I was preparing for All India Talent Search Exams then. Baba learned about a teacher who was retired and used to take private tuition at home. He took me with him to his place and my teacher asked me to start in a batch of 8 students from the very next day. I started enjoying his teaching soon. After a week, he separated me from the batch and started teaching me in a batch of only 1 student. And that student was me.

I told baba about it and he thought that he would charge more for teaching me individually. When the month got over, baba visited him and paid his extra tuition fees to his wife as he wasn't home that moment. In the evening, my teacher came walking with his walking stick to our place and returned the additional fees. Baba asked him the reason for that. And he said" I don't teach your daughter for money. If I need to earn money, I have so many batches and I get my pension also. I found something very remarkable in your daughter. The dedication she pays for my lessons and efforts satisfies the teacher in me. I can't ask from her anything more than that. But, I understand I am not obliging you. So, I will take 100 rupees. Thats all I want."

Baba told me about this conversation with him when he left. I couldn't believe my ears on what I heard. I decided that I will keep the faith of my teacher intact and started paying more attention to his lessons from then. Days were passing by and I was immersing in the ocean of his knowledge. But, every story has to pass a test...the test of hardship. One day, when he was returning home from a shop, he met with an accident. The first chest bone of his rib-cage got broken and he got constrained to rest on bed for 2 months. Because of his old age, his bone couldn't be joined. But doctor made him capable of walking and leading a normal life with that too by turning the bone's direction a little.

Before that, he needed to do proper bed rest with traction adjusted on his chest so that he doesn't move or roll over his bed. It was a curse for a man to not move even an inch who was so active physically. I visited him with baba and thought that he wouldn't be able to teach me at least for 2 months. He had canceled all his batches for that duration. But he expressed his desire in continuing with me. I was astonished to learn that. Baba asked him" Sir, you won't be able even to sit for 2 months. Why do you want to bear pain unnecessarily?" He replied" It is not unnecessary. I want to teach your daughter. She has her exams in 2 months and I can't leave her halfway in the course. Her learning will be my content. I would teach her in this position only. Please let me do it."

Getting his encouragement, I started going to him for the tuition again. He used to teach me with a book in one hand in that recumbent position. He used to exchange the book in the other hand if one starts aching. Sometimes, he used to get distressed with the pain but he never complained about it while teaching me. His room used to look like a hospital ward with all the medicines smells. I used to sit near his bed and I could smell his body stinking. Nobody else other than his wife used to step in his room. But, the only factor that was worth giving attention to, was his efforts despite all the pains and troubles.

Observing this, I forgot everything other than his lessons. I realized that there is no other person left in this world apart from me and my teacher in that one hour. 2 months later, when he came back to his ambulatory stage, my exams were over by then. I continued with him for 2-3 years. After that, baba got transferred from the place and we had to leave. I went to his place with baba and sought his blessings for my next course. He said" A student will always have many teachers in his/her life, but a teacher gets only a bunch of these kind of students who make his life worthy as a teacher. You justified the meaning of my being as a teacher. I am grateful to you."

I had tears in my eyes after listening this. That moment was one of the most truthful moment I have ever seen in my life. I have seen very few teachers with that spirit. And in this selfish age, who would like to teach someone for 100 rupees and in a painful condition like this? His earnest efforts and dedication towards me marked my future journey. Of course, he taught me English in that small room. But, I also learned life from him. I learned the definition of effort and devotion. I learned how one forgets his/her own pain for someone's ascent and well being. For him...my advancement was important than money, than rest, than any other possible gain in the world.

Thanks is a very small word for you teacher, as I would never be able to pay for what you taught me. I am indebted to you till I am alive. All I can say is, your pains and efforts won't go futile. I make sure that this world knows about you not only through this blog, but also through your lessons. I haven't seen god yet, but I am confident that he will have the same piece of spirit I saw in you. Your memory reiterate to me...that god exists....