Naya saal mubarak....

So, here I am again. Things and life have been quite busy so far and I was thinking why do we have so much of work only when we want to relax. I thought of taking rest and staring the ceiling of my room for next few days after my masters and then only housing of my university campus decided to kick us out of our apartment. We can't enjoy the facilities of campus once we reach in a position where they can't ask us any more money or tuition fees. And thanks to the completion of my masters, I can now think of doing stuff beyond striking my head with housing authorities. I found a new apartment and moved in there. Moving in and moving out has been an integral part of my life such that I sometimes feel sandwiched between them. I missed blogging last days. It seems surprising when I manage to survive and breathe without posting anything new on blog for long. Alright, I exaggerate sometimes. It is not that bad but I feel detached with myself and world when I don't blog. It is like words drained out of mind.

We have almost reached to the end of the year. I may write a lot of philosophical and spiritual specimens of how to behave next year and live on all the resolutions made this year. But I am no Baba Sri Sri Sri Purva who holds the copyrights on gyaan possible in the world. So, I will spare it this year. 2008 has been an year of happenings for me. Unlike 2007, which was happening too but not positively, 2008 got me few interesting events of life. I earned a masters degree for which I have lost almost 2874 hair so far. I managed to visit India after long time and got to meet few important people including old friends whom I hadn't seen for long.

I landed up in almost 1000 arguments with ma and papa regarding marriage. Interestingly, when parents start thinking emotionally and sentimental for their daughters to marry them off and at the same time scolding them to accept this so called centuries old fact of life...it is hard to stand in the discussion with them even possesing any logics. My sisters continued with the same concerns on the issue this year also. Specially, when one has a married sister and a younger sister at home, you can't accept anything but the 1001-advantages-of-getting-married conversations and mera-number-kab-aayega-look on you...I interned whole year which was an arduous job with classes and projects. I see myself more confident than what I was at the beginning of this year. And now I believe that work transforms life and reconstructs beliefs. A job supervisor's look builds the self-assurance and strengths better than a professor's look, no matter how disdainful the look is...

I found some new friends and new people in whom I felt confiding my inner-rooted pains that I only shared with family before. And I think this remains my biggest achievement of this year. Finding one whose frequency matches yours is not easy though not very difficult also...but to have those people around closely or remotely is a treat for life. I would say...I learnt how to live in real sense. May be just completing few months and calculated days of year is not life..Life means living each and every moment.I believe I can face hardships more efficiently than last year. And now I feel why it took me so many years to realize that without smiling and living life under unknown apprehensions of what next and covering up face with useless tensions doesn't culminate in anything. Some people unknowingly turn the coarse of problems into a dead-end street....

With continuing global recession in the economy and the impending terror of getting married, I don't feel going in 2009 and want to stay for some more time in 2008...but time waits for none. I hope you all must have your share of moments that made you laugh and cry this year...I pray for all to stay healthy, smiling and in good spirits for next year and most importantly living your life...Happy new year to all...

Lakshya....

I didn't want to use any other title than this one so I am stealing the title of a movie for this post. Hope Farhan Akhtar doesn't mind it. It has been 4 days since I had the last exam of my Masters here. The enchanting feeling of completing my masters degree leaves me with an indescribable expression. Life goes on...and I feel I slowly proceed ahead with a handful of aims and few dreams in heart on the road to life."Lakshya" is the most pronounced word of initial phases of one's life. I still remember I had 100 objectives before I stepped in the world of structural engineering. I had developed an interest in astronomy and study of heavenly objects and then I decided to be an astronaut. I enjoyed watching circus shows in my town and I wanted to be a circus artist. Then, music stepped in my life and I dreamed by heart days and nights to be a singer. Traversing on the flow of this stream named life, I went on to aim some more and finally I have landed up here. A lot of people ask me whether I wanted to be a structural engineer very first. My sister still believes that I would have gone to pursue writing as a career.

Ruminating over and over aims that lead my past and contemplating future objectives, been through the phases of "I came-I saw-and I conquered" to " Mera-sundar-sapna-toot-gaya"...I am still treading ahead to target on something. And through all those stages, I sometimes don't understand what I am targeting to. Do I want to be a professional with unlimited earnings or a figure of a successful person? Do I want to be a celebrity who captures a daily column on Page-3 and a rich fellow? Is that what I wanted to be? I feel confused sometimes when I achieve something....as to what next now? If I fail, I know I need to go on again. My questions to myself can give an impression of my inanity to many afterward. But the truth is that I am still looking for my purpose in life. I am still searching for the reason of my existence on this earth.

I dreamed to be a singer and I couldn't advance beyond the mass audience of classical nights I took part in. I did never wish to be a writer and here I am writing a blog which connects me with a lot of different souls on this planet. I could never remotely think of being a poetic temperamental individual but my thoughts found a way to rhyme themselves and to flow on paper. And an urge of always creating something got me in structural engg. May be here I can create something visible in front of my eyes for long. Lakshyas were made and lakshyas were achieved. Some of them though died in course of time also. I feel none of the achievements satisfied me completely. The peace of mind still seems far ahead. Losses leave a ground zero mark on me and then I try to rise like a phoenix again out of my own remnants. My gains make me happy for sometime and then the vigor and sparkle die down again.

I realized then that everything is going to lose its charm or blues eventually and will fade away and vanish. These rises and dumps tell that I started my journey one day with nothing and one day it will end with nothing. I brought nothing with me except happiness and peace of mind to my loved ones and will take nothing with me except peace of mind and satisfaction. Then why I am going towards making money and dreaming to lead a materialistic life. Money brings some comfort and luxury to life but not peace of mind. I don't want to get evaporated in the burns where I will have all the money, status and success and still have no time to laugh with people, live for my family, stand by them when they want or need me, or end up where relations become cold and lose their warmth. I want to fade away with a peace in my mind that even though I couldn't achieve a lot in life and couldn't touch the zeniths I aimed...I am still vanishing being a nice person with peace that I finally found the meaning of my life and reason of my existence. Till the moment I get it, there is no peace to me.

So, my lakshya of having a masters degree is achieved. And now, I want a "Lakshya" again in life...May be, searching myself amongst these aims will lead me somewhere to my purpose. At last, there is nothing worse than having an aimless day in life. Have you all come to know what your purpose is?.....