Naya saal mubarak....

So, here I am again. Things and life have been quite busy so far and I was thinking why do we have so much of work only when we want to relax. I thought of taking rest and staring the ceiling of my room for next few days after my masters and then only housing of my university campus decided to kick us out of our apartment. We can't enjoy the facilities of campus once we reach in a position where they can't ask us any more money or tuition fees. And thanks to the completion of my masters, I can now think of doing stuff beyond striking my head with housing authorities. I found a new apartment and moved in there. Moving in and moving out has been an integral part of my life such that I sometimes feel sandwiched between them. I missed blogging last days. It seems surprising when I manage to survive and breathe without posting anything new on blog for long. Alright, I exaggerate sometimes. It is not that bad but I feel detached with myself and world when I don't blog. It is like words drained out of mind.

We have almost reached to the end of the year. I may write a lot of philosophical and spiritual specimens of how to behave next year and live on all the resolutions made this year. But I am no Baba Sri Sri Sri Purva who holds the copyrights on gyaan possible in the world. So, I will spare it this year. 2008 has been an year of happenings for me. Unlike 2007, which was happening too but not positively, 2008 got me few interesting events of life. I earned a masters degree for which I have lost almost 2874 hair so far. I managed to visit India after long time and got to meet few important people including old friends whom I hadn't seen for long.

I landed up in almost 1000 arguments with ma and papa regarding marriage. Interestingly, when parents start thinking emotionally and sentimental for their daughters to marry them off and at the same time scolding them to accept this so called centuries old fact of life...it is hard to stand in the discussion with them even possesing any logics. My sisters continued with the same concerns on the issue this year also. Specially, when one has a married sister and a younger sister at home, you can't accept anything but the 1001-advantages-of-getting-married conversations and mera-number-kab-aayega-look on you...I interned whole year which was an arduous job with classes and projects. I see myself more confident than what I was at the beginning of this year. And now I believe that work transforms life and reconstructs beliefs. A job supervisor's look builds the self-assurance and strengths better than a professor's look, no matter how disdainful the look is...

I found some new friends and new people in whom I felt confiding my inner-rooted pains that I only shared with family before. And I think this remains my biggest achievement of this year. Finding one whose frequency matches yours is not easy though not very difficult also...but to have those people around closely or remotely is a treat for life. I would say...I learnt how to live in real sense. May be just completing few months and calculated days of year is not life..Life means living each and every moment.I believe I can face hardships more efficiently than last year. And now I feel why it took me so many years to realize that without smiling and living life under unknown apprehensions of what next and covering up face with useless tensions doesn't culminate in anything. Some people unknowingly turn the coarse of problems into a dead-end street....

With continuing global recession in the economy and the impending terror of getting married, I don't feel going in 2009 and want to stay for some more time in 2008...but time waits for none. I hope you all must have your share of moments that made you laugh and cry this year...I pray for all to stay healthy, smiling and in good spirits for next year and most importantly living your life...Happy new year to all...

Lakshya....

I didn't want to use any other title than this one so I am stealing the title of a movie for this post. Hope Farhan Akhtar doesn't mind it. It has been 4 days since I had the last exam of my Masters here. The enchanting feeling of completing my masters degree leaves me with an indescribable expression. Life goes on...and I feel I slowly proceed ahead with a handful of aims and few dreams in heart on the road to life."Lakshya" is the most pronounced word of initial phases of one's life. I still remember I had 100 objectives before I stepped in the world of structural engineering. I had developed an interest in astronomy and study of heavenly objects and then I decided to be an astronaut. I enjoyed watching circus shows in my town and I wanted to be a circus artist. Then, music stepped in my life and I dreamed by heart days and nights to be a singer. Traversing on the flow of this stream named life, I went on to aim some more and finally I have landed up here. A lot of people ask me whether I wanted to be a structural engineer very first. My sister still believes that I would have gone to pursue writing as a career.

Ruminating over and over aims that lead my past and contemplating future objectives, been through the phases of "I came-I saw-and I conquered" to " Mera-sundar-sapna-toot-gaya"...I am still treading ahead to target on something. And through all those stages, I sometimes don't understand what I am targeting to. Do I want to be a professional with unlimited earnings or a figure of a successful person? Do I want to be a celebrity who captures a daily column on Page-3 and a rich fellow? Is that what I wanted to be? I feel confused sometimes when I achieve something....as to what next now? If I fail, I know I need to go on again. My questions to myself can give an impression of my inanity to many afterward. But the truth is that I am still looking for my purpose in life. I am still searching for the reason of my existence on this earth.

I dreamed to be a singer and I couldn't advance beyond the mass audience of classical nights I took part in. I did never wish to be a writer and here I am writing a blog which connects me with a lot of different souls on this planet. I could never remotely think of being a poetic temperamental individual but my thoughts found a way to rhyme themselves and to flow on paper. And an urge of always creating something got me in structural engg. May be here I can create something visible in front of my eyes for long. Lakshyas were made and lakshyas were achieved. Some of them though died in course of time also. I feel none of the achievements satisfied me completely. The peace of mind still seems far ahead. Losses leave a ground zero mark on me and then I try to rise like a phoenix again out of my own remnants. My gains make me happy for sometime and then the vigor and sparkle die down again.

I realized then that everything is going to lose its charm or blues eventually and will fade away and vanish. These rises and dumps tell that I started my journey one day with nothing and one day it will end with nothing. I brought nothing with me except happiness and peace of mind to my loved ones and will take nothing with me except peace of mind and satisfaction. Then why I am going towards making money and dreaming to lead a materialistic life. Money brings some comfort and luxury to life but not peace of mind. I don't want to get evaporated in the burns where I will have all the money, status and success and still have no time to laugh with people, live for my family, stand by them when they want or need me, or end up where relations become cold and lose their warmth. I want to fade away with a peace in my mind that even though I couldn't achieve a lot in life and couldn't touch the zeniths I aimed...I am still vanishing being a nice person with peace that I finally found the meaning of my life and reason of my existence. Till the moment I get it, there is no peace to me.

So, my lakshya of having a masters degree is achieved. And now, I want a "Lakshya" again in life...May be, searching myself amongst these aims will lead me somewhere to my purpose. At last, there is nothing worse than having an aimless day in life. Have you all come to know what your purpose is?.....

Being Human....

May be I should have written it long back. And now after almost 20 major terror attacks and death of 600 people, bunch of breaking news, injured people,ailing humans, death counts, crying families and relatives,condemning politicians and security arrangements and a great hue and cry about political decisions and promised securities, we again have come to the same spot where we had begun. And among all these uproars and turmoil, we forget humans. Lives and dreams are shattered forever, families are left to lead their whole life in destruction and void. We talk about died human beings in figures and numbers, count them under victims, inquire about our close ones and end up feeling happy if the figures don't have any of our people. Of course those 600 humans may not have any of our own, but among those 113 crores souls of our nation, there must be few eyes full of tears, few hearts filled with emptiness, and few lives filled with vacuum. Terror attacks occur and lives end, bombs are exploded and families shatter, promises are made and kids are orphaned, compensations are announced to kins of terror victims and dreams are killed, securities are assured and humans walk on. Life ends for a few and live keeps on moving for many. We talk for people killed, clamor against the whole system, censure politicians and assailants and move on with our own respective lives. And this is all we call humanity.

Problems and struggles don't permit anyone to stop over this commotion. I am no different from other common men. Of course why do I worry for people dying in Delhi, Mumbai and Gujarat. I belong to Jaipur and I should care for my family and friends whom I can count on my fingers. I did the same and when Jaipur faced terror attack, all my agitation diluted after confirming that my family and friends were alright. I was in office that moment and I started laughing to the jokes cracked by my colleague and after an hour I forgot what had happened. I realized afterward that I had become so selfish and self-centered. I couldn't even spare a single moment to shed tears for those who lost their lives. Ya, I know,referred to all the teachings and preachings of being practical in life, that one has to keep calm while working and living alone in a country.But what use is in being practical if it takes your human-ness from you. Being human is not about being a successful person with countless achievements to display. It is about having a heart of human which doesn't differentiate between own father and others father, it is about feeling the barrenness of own mother's heart and others mother's also, it is about catching

tears of own brothers' and sisters' and others' too.

Of course the Jaipur blast didn't cost me anything, but it proved devastation for many. I might have crossed my ways with many of them. Buying goods from shops, cracking jokes with sellers, enjoying and praising the chaats and kulfis of street hawkers, driving on those streets among fellow human beings, running through the paths of people... I must have touched lives of those who were killed. And when I think from this perspective, I feel for them. How is it being shattered in a moment only? Bleeding injuries, fleshes tearing apart and blood running cold through the veins of their dear ones after seeing them dead frightens me like nothing. A small kid who is as innocent as a budding flower was lying dead on the blast site. He was born to fill his parents' lives with love, to give them happiness in watching him taking his first step, learning his first word, achieving highest marks in class, selecting in school cricket team, wiping his sister's tears when she gets hurt after falling from stairs. He was meant to live dreams of many and touch horizons. And now he is lying being an unknown face under the death count. We all will move on and will forget him. But his family will live forever with those incomplete dreams and the vacuumed life after he has left.

I would never be able to know their miseries till I keep myself on his place. One fine day, when I go out for something but return back to my family in a form of a ripped flesh and blood and dreams oozing out of my veins. Life would be difficult for those who love me, who expect me to stand by them when they need me, who want me to touch them every day and night, whose hearts beat only for me. They will remember all the moments spent with me...when I first left my ma's hand & started walking on my own feet, when I spoke my first word, when I achieved success, when I cooked meal first time for my parents, when I got my first scholarship, when I bought gift for their anniversary from my pocket-money, when I cried after my di left home for hostel, when I fought to possess best cupboard in our bedroom with chutki. As a result of hatred, anger and revenge of attackers, I would leave my loved ones only to survive with my memories forever.

I do not intend to preach any big lessons here. I don't even have hate for any community or groups. I feel we all, including victims and culprits, are human beings and we all are blessed with few people who love us all our life without any conditions. Killing people can leave someone with lifelong sorrow, someone with neutrality and someone with bliss & content. We are bound to die one day, either by someone or our natural death. When someone dear dies, it is our loss. But someone else's dies, it is also our loss. We don't want to lose humans because of humans. The victims might not have any relation with culprits, but someday, even an innocent kid of culprit may end up lying down as a piece of flesh under the death count.

Sometimes, I hate myself for staying far from my people when they need me to wipe their tears. I don't want to run away that far from humans where I have all the time for every trivial thing in life and don't feel sparing 2 minutes to shed tears from my eyes and to wipe tears from others' eyes. Shedding tears for our own is easy....shedding tears for others is difficult. I am trying to learn it from now so that one day I can claim that I am proud being a human. Because humanity is only in wiping tears of others and letting them live....

The drive to truth....

Truth is the most difficult feature to accept for anyone in this world. Truth is bitter sometimes, infact quite often. It is heard a lot that one needs a big heart to listen to truth,accept it and go with it. Truth gives you strength, truth makes you fearless, truth gives you a direction. I have always been told whole life to stand firm with truth and always walk on a true way on which be true to others specially to yourself. But as I had stated earlier, I always learn any lesson when I see it in front of my eyes. I believe in those examples that comes in your life and teaches you a lesson and then stays with you forever. Whatever I am going to write here, might not appeal a lot of people as an example of inspiration, but it is a big example of following truth, honesty and courage.This is a true story of my friend whom people call a failure, but for me he is a winner in all respects.

He was my junior in college. Though we both had different majors but got along well with each other.We both had nothing common and in first few meetings, I found him very arrogant and a guy with attitude. But then during the whole college life, I realized that he was much more beyond those regular adjectives.He was amongst first three rank holders of his class and very sharp minded and intelligent guy. Apart from that, he used to get involved in other activities also like writing, reading, event management, debate groups etc. He had a deep interest in reading different books. I would say that he was a perfect combination of practicality and smartness. We met many times in train while going home as he was also from jaipur. During our journeys and summer vacations, we used to discuss a lot about books, articles and novels and I used to enjoy all the discussions with him. His intelligency was incredible and beyond comparisons.

I was done with my Bachelors and he was in his final year of graduation. I was preparing for GRE and he was aiming for CAT and campus placements. Though MBA was his ultimate dream. We used to discuss things many times through phone and emails. He cracked CAT with 99.97 percentile and got 6 IIM interview calls including IIM Calcutta, Bangalore, Ahmedabad, Lucknow and Indore. He later converted Calcutta,Lucknow and Indore. But the story doesn't end here. It begins from here. His life was about to take a new turn from there when he had achieved his ultimate dream of life and was on pinnacle of success.

His degree was not done by then as the session of the college got delayed. IIM Calcutta wanted his official degree and transcripts before their session starts. He fought and struggled a lot to get everything done on time but all his efforts were proving futile. IIM officials made him start in spite of that and intimated him clearly about the deadline of submitting his final year transcripts and Bachelors degree. Life had started running on an opposite track for him, but he stood firm and didn't give up. Happiness and success was not willing to come his way so easily.

After trying so hard, he finally ended up going by the college's delayed session and decided to abide by the IIM Calcutta verdict against him. Many of his friends and closed ones advised him to make a false transcript with forge signatures on it to submit to IIM C. After all, it is not that difficult in our country to do fraud and may be they were not wrong completely. He wasn't taking undue advantages of anyone or hurting anybody's well being. It was his pound of success and he deserved IIM C. But may be that is when, one realizes the inner strength. It is very easy to follow the path showed and taken by everyone...but it is difficult to follow the path that doesn't have anyone to accompany. We are too afraid to walk alone and to bear mock and ridicule. But I believe...it is only you who you have to answer at the end for all your actions. If you know what you want to do and justify yourself and your actions...the rest of the world can better go to hell.

He decided to follow his heart and truth.

He was selected in IIM Calcutta, so what he couldn't stay there for his MBA. He had lived his dream days and nights, all his whole life but let it go himself just for truth. He suffered a lot that time. He had gone through all the mental pains, frustrations and peoples' deriding remarks on the so called foolish decision taken by him.But it was tough for me to think along the same lines. He was not a foolish and dumb guy. He had earned IIM Calcutta and that proves his intellect. He was a righteous person who chose truth between truth and his dream.

Thanks a lot my friend. Because of you, I came to know the strength of truth and strength after being true. We can live somehow with an unfulfilled dream but not with a fulfilled dream that has its foundation on deceits and betrayals. I don't know if you are reading this blog, but if you are... I just want to show my honest feelings to my friend who is one of the strongest person I have ever seen in my life. You proved that you are much bigger than a lie and falsehood. No lie has the power to break you and tear your virtuosity apart, in any damn condition. You were never a failure and you would never be. You are a winner, you are a victor, you are a hero and above all and more than that, you are truth.....

Direct Dil Se

The second feeling which upsets me the most after failure is nostalgia. Thought of leaving places, people, seasons and surroundings behind leaves me with a feeling of incompleteness and emptiness in life for some time being. And then, new people and new seasons arrive in life again. Throughout my whole life so far, I can best describe myself as a traveler. With the life of a vagabond, getting transferred from one place to another, trying to get adapted to a new environment every year...I have realized that life is only a voyage and we are just sailing our ships in search of a new port, we stay at a place during the flow of this stream for a while and then start on the voyage again. We set our goals, opinions and own definitions during this voyage.....we succeed to find some and we fail for some, but life never stops...it keeps on progressing further. Destinations never hamper its procession.

So now its one more month, and I will be out of my graduate school. Life has been a complete blend of success and failures, laughter and tears, achievements and disappointments, completed and incomplete dreams in past 2 and half years of my masters and my stay at US. I know I should feel something on the lines of "Purani jeans aur guitar" for the last remaining month of my college life. I have been listening to my father saying that the real harsh and challenging life starts after you are out of college. And I also remember Aamir Khan in Rang de Basanti saying" College ke is taraf hum zindagi ko nachaate hai, aur college ke dooji taraf zindagi humko nachaati hai...tim-lal-lak-te-tim-lak-lak". I know it is never going to be easy in professional world. But one has to make a start from somewhere in life. With the pains of ending one chapter of life and embarking a new chapter in life...it always seems lucid that life is just a journey and not a destination.

I cried unlimited when my mother was transferred to a new place and had to leave. I was 3 years old then. Ma said" It is difficult to part but then only we realize the hope and happiness of meeting and crossing our ways again." I noted it down somewhere and from then it has become a part and parcel of life. Transfer was more heard than any other childhood vocabulary. Been an exchange offer between ma and papa, I still think that Govt. of Rajasthan owes us a new life with ma and papa both in same city forever. And when they both got transferred for longer duration at same place, I had to leave home in quest of my destiny and fulfillment of my dreams. May be destiny wants all of us to understand this most important fact of life that everything passes by and everything is temporary. From changing towns and schools every year; leaving places, home and friends; the feeling of I-will-never-see-these-trees-and-streets-again; packing and unpacking stuffs....I have come a long way ahead to experience the ephemerality of moments with everything and everyone who touches your heart and mind. We join and leave various schools and then join college and leave it, again to join and leave something. And this cycle of joining and leaving keeps on and on. But one feature is always there. We meet people and make friends everywhere. We leave old friends only in order to make new friends and old friends stay always with you. They are never like streets and walls whom we will not be able to see once they get away from our way.

After a series of a new school and town every year, I had a sigh of relief when I joined college for Bachelors. At least, I will be at this place for 4 years. Four years passed by and I was dull again by the thought of leaving my friends. But even sunrise is temporary and so is sunset, how could those moments freeze in the course of time. I joined Masters here in Chicago, and now it is time to leave again. The feeling is the same, notwithstanding the place and people seem different. Just like the people in India who got imprinted on my mind and heart, there are few people here in chicago also who will remain in me forever and they know very well who are they. The lovely memories with them will keep titillating me for quite a long time...and I will tread on my road to life only to find new moments with new people at new places.And I will keep this hope alive to meet and cross ways with my oldies again.

I remember Ma's words every time when I or someone closed one leaves. But I believe in making sweet memories. It is not the time or the number of moments we spent together. I may be around you for 20 years, 2 months or 2 minutes. The feeling of belonging to someone in a beautiful way is the essence of memories. When you remember me, you must not think about the only 2 minutes we spent together... if my memory brings a smile on your face and touch you to relieve in your pain...I will feel I am with you forever. Preserve the feeling and memories rather than counting the moments.

Remember every end is a new beginning and nothing lasts forever....but ofcourse images in mind and memories in heart will remain forever. Make memories with everyone and then leave memories behind....life is about keep walking and leaving marks of our lives,love and feelings in hearts of people.

Its just a little crush

I am a die hard fan of KK...not the KK of sarkar fame and the horny creature of Drona...It is the singer KK barkhurdaar.There is something really heart capturing in this guy's voice which I can't resist to...I love his songs right from the day I heard him singing" Yaaron dosti badi haseen hai"...Sometimes when I am too tired after work and studies, I play his songs to get myself energized. I love one of his song from movie MP3-mera pehla pehla pyar which is romantic, happy going and mast at the same time...the title track...When he sings...mera pehla pehla pyar hai yeh..o o o o....my heart goes out on him...I haven't watched the movie but I am sure the actor enacting this song must be feeling the love in those words right in his heart. May be someone in

love can feel the love in the words.

I wish I could say" Hey man, I do not know what you think about me and whether you have already fallen in love with the girl with the green hair standing near that door...but I really want to tell you that I am in love with you...so this song is for you buddy..SSSSSmera pehla pehla pyar hai yeh SSSSS...o o o o e e e e e." But unfortunately due to my bin-akal-ki-khopdi and people running-scratching their hair after listening to my thoughts and bakwaas, this fantasy hasn't come true in last 16 years of my life...( Come on, a normal girl never ages beyond 16 yaar..:)

Every person has some fantasies, few dreams of a person. We see and meet so many people during our life specially teen-age and someone special takes that special place very easily. Most of the times the person is a celebrity or a famous personality or someone to whom access is very difficult and that makes us crave for that person days and nights. I am no exception to it. I have also had my phases and crushes on a lot of males in my life. No normal guy managed to stay near with my kind of bheja-bhool-ja talks....so crushes se hi kaam chalana pada. Here is a peep into my teen-age couchy-couchy emotions.

1. Sachin Tendulkar

My first and foremost crush was Sachin Tendulkar. I fell in love with him when I was only 8 years old. He had become a famous face of indian cricket then. Papa and me used to watch cricket matches together with papa watching the game and me watching him only. I used to worship him like a god and had all my fantasies of marrying him just like other girls. With mostly me and papa around then, I was like.."Papa, I have searched an intelligent, smart and capable son-in-law for you..see he is a marathi so there won't be any caste problem." And papa just used to laugh at my logics.He has been my biggest crush for the longest period of time. Then, he married a lady doctor 5 years older than him who treated his finger injury once when he visited her hospital...Hey Sachin, you married your finger-fixer-doctor? What about the lakhon-karoro-tukde of my pyar-bhara-dil? Sob..Sob..Oye chill maar little master, you have full freedom to marry your finger-pancreas-kidney doctor, nurse or compounder...but don't forget your choti-si-air conditioner.

2. Siddharth Narayan

Khalbali hai khalbali stirred my calm-serene-quiet-heartlake like nothing. I had watched Rang De Basanti 3 times a single day when it was released, just for Siddarth Darling...With one more Siddharth fan at home in the form of my lovely chutki,I used to give a tough fight to her to possess the TV remote while watching the movie. I loved him in the scene when he admitted killing the minister at All India Radio...and god knows how many times I have watched that scene rewinding again and again. Due to my mixed cultural upbringing,I have remote possibility of mastering over a single language in my life. I could never even thought of watching anything with any south indian language which is like Kala-akshar-bhais-barabar for me.... But only for my Sids baby, I went on to watch all his Telugu and Tamil movies before and after RDB fever happened...Sue kar mere mann ko kiya Sids ne kya ishaara...

3. Sonu Nigam-Shaan-KK trio

Being a music lover and singer without profession, having no crush for singers will be like being laloo prasad yadav with no love for chaara. As I mentioned, half of my life has gone in piling up under music cassetes and cds. I had gone crazy after Sonu Nigam's "Saathiya", Shaan's "Tanha Dil" and KK's "Yaaron dosti"...When my papa used to be like enough-of-you-boring-us-with-this-trio-songs expression, I used to be with chill-papa-my kidneys-go-hmmm...hmmm...hmmm-with-their songs facial expression...This is the only crush which has stayed in my non-sensical mind till now. It is hard for me to keep music away in order to have proper biological functioning of my lungs,intestines and khopdi...

4. Air force pilots of the Air-force training center near my hostel

This category has been the only category approachable to me so far...There was an air force base training center right at 5 mins walk from my hostel during my under graduation in Rajasthan. Me and my roomy used to walk down there every evening just to have a glimpse of the air force pilots...With an ice-cream parlour near that base center, my roomy and I used to buy an ice-cream before going there..and with the thandi-thandi-kulfi and handsome-air-force-officers, we almost planned on marrying an air force pilot later in life. During those 4 years of under graduation, I even used to dream of my-sapno-ka-raajkumar-getting-off-a fighter plane rather than getting-off-a white horse.

Strange fantasizing and strange tantalizing in life...but hey, is there anyone around in this world whose heart has never gone out for someone special...After all, its just a little crush...

Feminity of Desire

"Man endures pain as an undeserved punishment; woman accepts it as a natural heritage."

I read this line somewhere when I was only 13 years old. The beginning of teen-age, when a child starts thinking and maturing as a grown-up, when a kid is no more a kid and a girl is no more a within-parents' thinking-premises person. She starts developing her own thought process, her own way of observing this world, her own definitions of life, and her own dreams and desires. I developed my own views and outlook then.

I have spent maximum time of initial 13 years of my life with my father and his upbringing influenced me the most and my thinking of course. As a result of frequent transfers in job of my parents, we got to see different places, people and perspectives. My father had different identities at places. The most common was the "father of 3 daughters". I sincerely understand if this doesn't seem understood to most of you, as what's the deal being a father of 3 girls. Even that was my first question to him when he told us about it one day. He had a fellow professor at his college who used to look upon him feeling miserable on his fate of bringing up, taking care and get his 3 daughters married at the end. And that's all a father role has to be for his daughters. When my father refused to agree with him and conferred that his daughters dreams and desires are his sole aim in life...his colleague looked at him as if he was talking something out of this universe. Of course his quick retort can leave anyone shocked and horrified as it is 2008, the 21st century...but then in the 80s it was quite normal. He advised my father not to support and relish his daughters' desires...what if she asks for more?....daughters' desires are a beginning of digging of father's grave...to desire is not what a girl is meant for. My father asked him if he had any daughter and he said he has 3 sons. My father said he would never be able to know what beauty in life is, having a daughter at home...

But papa's colleague's outlook compelled me to mull over my head on it for years. And I am still unanswered. How do we define desire? Isn't it the definition of whatever our heart wishes to do? Is there any line demarcating girl's desire from boy's desire? I wonder sometimes if desire is a feminine term. When heart wishes, it never thinks about whys and hows and whom it belongs to, whether a woman or a man. And today I burn over this concept again. I had visited India this august and was enjoying my stay at home. My younger sister told me about her school friend. I knew her, she was very dear to my sister, and had met her many times during my father's posting at that town. She told me once that she wanted to be a doctor. And I used to tell her that it just needs hard work and determination.

A woman desiring to be something more than a silent order follower is the biggest fear of a father's happy going life...that's what she told me. I asked her about her fear and she said that not all fathers think like mine. I could get her completely and not her father...the man who created her. I asked her to convince her father..and when she said she won't be able to make him understand as he is too adamant to marry her off early and fulfill his responsibility as a father...I said then in that case....be a rebel. And that option was absolutely not on her pages. Where a woman is not allowed to desire for something...will anyone accept her rebellion?

We got transferred from that place but my sister maintained terms with her. I came to know in this visit that she got married at the age of 20 forcefully and this year in August, she had miscarriage.We both were dumbfounded to learn this when my sister called her up. She was just 21 to have her first baby and was suffering from the pain and trauma after her miscarriage. Even my mother had her first child at the age of 25. We learnt from her cousin about this and I was disgusted to know that she was forced to have a baby soon after the marriage. Me and my sister couldn't eat that day after knowing that she is critical after the miscarriage. Doctors saved her of course but not her baby, not her strength, not her desire. A woman who could be a doctor and a life saver ended up being a wife only, being an early mother, being a victim of her family's customs, traditions and wishes. It is not that I am against marriage and children. I want to be a wife and mother someday. But only after I feel when I want to be. I couldn't save her...and I don't know for how many more years I will burn over this issue. We feel so helpless to treat a woman like a person...that's what she is....she is no damn door-mat or wooden chair. She is meant for doing much more than being a man's wife and mother of his children only. Let her desire come out and take a shape...don't kill it ungerminated.

My father says often" If you really want to understand a woman, try standing at her place and think at least once from her outlook, she remains no more complicated and difficult to understand."

I need a computer guy....

My blog wingsofwords has been goofing up a lot from last few days....The blog settings and other technical stuff is getting weird day by day even after completing two years of blogging...One of my blog reader suggested me to try blogspot and I am really enjoying it better than rediffblogs...So, from now on starts my journey as a writer again on blogspot...I tell you this blogspot is very famous amongst bloggers. I was trying for various different names for my blog address and it says all these names were already in use...So, after this " is route ki sabhi lines hamesha ke liye vyast hai...krupiya koi doosra blog address try kare",....I finally found a name for my new blog which is not being used by anyone on this earth......this trial-and-error for different names made me to realize the popularity of blogspot...I hope this time it doesn't get screwed up....


Coming to the issues with computer...I really want to tell you that I have been famous all my life for being a complete-compter anpadh girl...My major is structural engineering ...And if you expect me to deal with html and graphics issues of blogger rather than calculating gust wind load effect and punching shear in structures, you should go and meet your psychiatrist...I have been muddled up many times with this idiot-box called as computer since the day computer arrived at my home the very first time. It was a sweet little phillips one with 8 GB hard drive only which was enough for us to download songs and do chatting. Papa used to make functional use of computer by preparing his lecture notes on it. Ma was happy playing Freecell and Solitaire. There is something so special about this computer dude as when you download songs on it, it works smart enough...And when you try your hands doing some really cool and technical stuff, all your knowledge of handling a computer turns out to be a terrible glitch. I remember how I used to feel like kicking it out of my house after getting issues with it...And it has happened everytime...Ma used to say to papa.." We will have to get a computer guy for our daughter..so that besides being a husband, he can act as a computer issues fixer at times ( Are you listening, computer guys?...:)


But that is not the whole issue,man...I mean, everything is working ok apart from my khopdi....And I am just beginning to fall in love with blogspot, so trying my hands on it...Who knows, I might like it better than rediffblogs...After all everthing in life testifies itself after getting hit and trial. So, chill maar.......wingsofwords will be there if you wanna survive reading whatever crap I am gonna write here on blogspot from now on or just wanna read some really serious stuff that I wrote in last 2 years on it....It had become a part of my life since I started publishing my thoughts but then every end is the beginning of a new journey....will miss you wingsofwords...wish me luck to rock on with blogspot....