The story who formed my being....

The readers of this blog must have realized this by now that my father has a strong impact on my life. He possess a very special place in my life and whatever I think and convey has some of his input and some of his shade. He is the only person in my life who has played unlimited number of roles for me. He has not only been a father but also a teacher, friend, philosopher, guide, secret-sharer, mood-en lightener, story-teller, inspirer, motivator, charioteer of my life-chariot, and Jupiter of my sky. There are many other beautiful pieces of our relation but the most prominent bridge that connects me and him is ideals, values, philosophies and lessons. I have grown up listening to his stories from my childhood. Of course some of them are extremely philosophical and spiritual but some of them are practical too with always a lesson at the end. They are.. from my childhood when I was 4 years old..till date.I would like to share one of them with the readers which holds the most important place among all the stories. This story marked the school of thought I follow and formed my being. I would also like to let you know if you are not a person who like to bear philosophies, do not read. Please read only if you have some place for philosophy and spirituality in your life.

Long back, there was a king who used to rule a state. He was very righteous, kind and unbiased ruler. Everyone used to feel secure and equal under the shade of his supremacy. He used to disguise himself and roam around his state's streets and markets to know if anyone is in need or despair. One day, after disguising himself, he went to the main market. It was a busy day in the market and he was walking around when he saw an old and poor woman selling something. The woman was very weak and looked like she was starving from days. She had a basket full of garbage with her which she was trying to sell, and everyone passing around was making fun of her because of that.The king decided to help her. He went to her and asked" Mother, what are you selling?"..."I am selling my poverty, son. I am a poor woman and I haven't eaten anything for so many days. I didn't have anything left in my house so I decided to collect the garbage of my house and sell it" She replied. The king felt bad that under his reign, someone doesn't have anything to eat. He bought her basket of garbage and gave her some money. She blessed her and left. After making some more rounds of market and helping people, he returned to his palace and ordered his guards to keep the basket in his treasury.

Later that night after having dinner, the king was spending time on the terrace of his palace. Suddenly, he saw a lady wearing bright clothes walking out of his treasury and leaving. He rushed to her and asked " Who are you? Why did you walk out of my treasury?"..." I am Lakshmi, the goddess of Wealth. You have given shelter to poverty in your treasury where I was residing till date. Now, there is no place for me so I am leaving. Poverty and wealth can't stay together." She said. The king let her go.

After some time, he saw one more lady with bright clothes walking out of his treasury. He followed her and asked " Who are you? Why are you leaving my place?" " I am Shakti, the goddess of Power. You invited poverty at your place and because of it, the goddess of wealth left. Wealth brings power and I am not able to stay here any more." She replied to the king. He let her go also.

Some time later, he saw one more lady walking out of his palace this time. He approached her also and asked the same question.She said." I am goddess of Fortune. Without goddess of power and wealth, there is no sense with me staying here any more. Fortune always stays with power and wealth around her. With me walking out now, your kingdom has no future as you let go the supremos who were protecting your state from evils. " The king didn't say any word and let her go.

When he was returning back to his palace, a man with a glow on his face and bright clothes was walking out of his palace. The king walked towards him and asked his question. He replied..." I am Dharma, the god of righteousness, truth and virtue. I am leaving you now. All the predominant gods have left your place and I believe I am the only one left here. I will also have to go where others are. "

The king leaned down to his feet and folded his hands and said" No my lord, I can't let you go with others. To follow Dharma only, I bought the old woman's poverty. My dharma as a king tells me to take care of my people, help them in their time of need, look after and protect them. It is only for Dharma I decided to let go all the supremos from my state. If you also leave, then whatever I have done to the old woman and to my people so far has no meaning and no justification. I will accept destitution, calamity and misfortune...but I am not ready to leave Dharma. I am sorry I can't let you go. I request you to return back to my palace." Lord Dharma returned back.

After few hours, when the king was about to go to sleep, he saw all the three goddesses coming back to him. He asked them the reason. They told" Without Dharma, we don't have a path or a direction. It is only dharma who leads our way. He is the beginning, journey and the destination of our being. We are directionless with not having him around and our whole existence can't be justified. We would not leave your kingdom and will return where we belong. " The king sought their blessings and went happily to his palace.

When my father finished this story, I couldn't make much sense out of it. I was only 5 years old then. But over the years, I have realized the true meaning of this story and the lesson. My father asks me often" What is it that you can't let go? Ask yourself." And I remember the story...... always......every moment....

If not...

Living life could be the easiest task in this world and at the same time could be the most difficult one. Only when we realize what important is there with us, is not going to be any more. What if not?....Life is a series of choices we make. When the usual happens...we enjoy our choices. When something unusual happens...we regret or fret over the choices. But ultimately, it is only the person who has to bear the consequences of his/her choices. May be a small wish which comes true can give the pleasure of few moments...and may be a dream of life can never reach to its destination. What I have realized is...that a human being should always be compliant to accept everything life has to offer. I have seen people who ended life for a petty cause which meant a big one for them. I ponder sometimes on it. Is it so easy to end life just like that? After all, anyone can die easily...what's hard is having the courage to live.

When I was in school, I had a small diary with me in which I used to write what all I would like to do in my life. I was a dreamer just like everyone is. My bucket list of dreams was the whole essence of my being. It included the people I will want to be with, dreams I will wish to complete, responsibilities I will like to fulfill and zeniths I will aim to achieve. Years gone passed, some dreams found their destiny, some are still unfolded and some would never culminate into what they were supposed to. I used to open it sometimes and fret over what remained incomplete. I thought I don't have the strength and courage to reclaim whatever is unaccomplished. It is true that we make our earnest efforts to fulfill what we dream of. But there are also two phases after our efforts...either we get it or we don't. Life blooms when we get it...but life shatters when we don't get it. That should never happen to life. Regardless of the destiny of our dream, we must always keep in mind how to live without it.

I remember a small story long back from my school life. I had a teacher at my school. He was not very interactive with students other than his subject related queries. I had raised first time in my life from a naughty fellow to a sincere student in that school so I would say I was emotionally very attached to the school. My father got transferred from the town and I was to leave the school. I was feeling nostalgic by the thought of leaving the place which first showed me my abilities. I went to meet all my teachers & seek their blessings. When I met him, he was quite silent during the whole conversation. He gave me his wishes and all of a sudden I broke down in front of him. I told him that I won't be able to live without this place, school, my teachers, friends.

He paused for a moment and then said" OK, this is the last lesson from your teacher. You told me that you write your dreams in your bucket list diary so that you have them in front of your eyes all the time. From today onwards, make one more list of the things, people, places, dreams, ideas without which you won't be able to live. See it everyday, try to balance everything in it against the ingredient which is most important for your survival. I bet you will erase everything from your mind and that list, once you realize that they are not that important.....Of course, people are important. They can't be compared to non-living things. But their sweet memories are important, not their physical presence beside you all the time."

I asked" Do you think it is easy to leave places and people? I see new schools and places every year and before I try to spread my roots somewhere, it is time to say Goodbye. Why is my life a drift boat all the time? I want to stop somewhere and immerse in one. I am tired of these rooting and uprooting phases of life."

What he said after that has been one of the most valuable teaching of my being as a human. He said" This is the beauty of life, dear. Rooting makes a tree strong and uprooting stops its nourishment. And that's the only difference between the life of a tree and a human being. A human grows the strongest only when he/she is uprooted. You find it difficult to stay away from the roots that nurtured you. Lekin zindagi mein aisa kuch nahi hai jiske bina jeeya naa ja sake. I am here for a while. Who knows, whether I will be alive after 2 days...my family will suffer the most. But eventually, they will learn to live without me. Because life is like that. It keeps on proceeding ahead till the moment you stop its procession or end it. Remember, dreams are your own choices and not a compulsion on you...so complete them for your happiness. If not...then try & learn to live with their incompleteness also. There is no other thing which is more important than life."

I touched his feet and left the place. I made that list with all the things, people, places, ideas and dreams. During the course of time, I kept on erasing names from it. And after 25 years of my life, I have only three names left in that list.

1. God
2. Life
3. Spirits & Values
These are the only three names that are imperative for my existence.

I came to know after 2 years that my teacher met with a road accident and lost his life. I could never meet him again and tell him that he actually taught me how easy it is to live without everything in life. Just make everything unimportant in comparison to your life...and life is easy. Achieve your dreams...life will be better than before...If not...then also, life is with you. What else one needs to live? Just life right?....

Hopes...

Hope is a good thing...may be the best of thing...may be defines the beginning and end of life...may be the essence of life....may be the only ingredient which keeps you alive. This lesson was taking longer than ever to reach me. The whole book of my life has pages of few tears, smiles, laughter, struggles, achievements, failures, aspirations and dreams. The page of hope seemed like completed but it wasn't. The easiest task for a human being is to crash all his hopes and the most difficult one is to crash himself. And living without hope is just like a body with no soul. At times, I have acted deceased...working towards something..don't know what..success comes..its good...if it doesn't...hopes get crashed. It is unfair friends. We need hopes only in the time of despair and we kick them out so easily...at least I do.

Few years back in India, I appeared in IIT-JEE with my full fledged efforts. I didn't get selected and the failure devastated me and my spirits. My family and few people close to me know how difficult the situation was for me. With my dear ones' love and care, I managed to start living a new life afterward. And trust me, my confidence level never soared to the level where it was before IIT-JEE. Till date, there has been no disaster befallen upon me of that severity. Ma never worried for me that much before that and after that. Di was continuously trying to blow spirits in me.

Baba was almost in an impatient state after observing me behaving with no hopes and miser for5-6 months when one day he burst out.." Is that what I have taught you for years? Lose hopes, be a prisoner of your own failures and think life doesn't have anything else to offer you? It is just a beginning dear. Remember, when everything crashes then it is the best opportunity to prove yourself. Unlimited doors are opened in front of you now. Take any of them. You have nothing to lose because you have already lost everything and to gain...you have the world." Those precious words were the stepping stones of the foundation of my to-be-built structure of confidence.

I consider myself lucky to have been around people who have experienced misery, crisis and tragedies more than what I have faced. Amongst them, someone lost whole family in earthquake at the tender age of 17 years, someone was born in a financially challenged and miser family, someone had to work as a peon and had to leave school to earn livelihood for family at age of 10, someone was blind by birth and forever, someone became physically challenged afterward, someone had to take a truthful path of failure to survive deceitful destination of success. I can keep talking about some more of this kind for ever.

The common factor I found among them was these people never left the hand of their hopes. The hope which says a new dawn will arrive soon...a new world is waiting for you. And after remembering all these angels I feel...I am crying because I have no shoes....what about the one who has no feet. Life is full of blessings and sometimes we are just too blind to see them...just having hopes can get us closer to the beauty of life.

The people who read this blog entitle me as a philosopher. But friends, I have never tried to be one. I have only conveyed what my life has shown and taught me. Yes, I agree I think a lot. I agree sometimes I don't talk that makes much sense...but I don't agree that talking real is philosophy. And I like to talk real. Recently, one of my dearest friend sent me these lines that I would like to share with everyone.

" If there is a solution, find it.
If there is none, never mind it."

And remember between these two lines...never lose hopes and even after that. Hope is the best thing one can have.

Division of heart

There can't be no better curse in this world than to be alone. And may be that's why this concept of families did come into picture. We are born in families, make our own families, live with them and one day die in their arms. The most important asset a human possess is family. Ma says that a strong family has the strength to sustain every possible adversity in the world. My parents have spent most of their personal life away from each other due to their frequent transfers and postings in their respective jobs. And there was a time when both of them were away from home. We always felt their presence beside us and that's what kept and keep us together. That's what keeps everyone together.

I have a colleague at work who trusts me a lot. It is strange to see when an American starts trusting a non-American when it comes to personal life and relations. He shared a personal issue of his friend with me which was new of its kind. His friend's wife has filed divorce and they are discussing over the issues of divisions of all the property, assets and custody of their children. It seems usual as these are the main issues one has to deal with while filing divorce. But what perturbed me was the division of children. The couple has two sons and two daughters. And one of their son and daughter is grown up. They want to divide their grown up children & younger children equally and their sons and daughters equally. I have never heard of such kind of division in my life before. My colleague asked me what I think of their agreement and decision to go with.

I didn't want to advice anything on the matter. First of all, I am too young and immature to give any advice and second, I am inexperienced as a wife and mother and third of course, our cultures and upbringings are different. I decided to stay neutral at the end, with the feeling that its their personal matter. But I knew that I could have spoken on it being a daughter. He then asked me further about how is it in India. Do Indians get divorced? After 2-3 questions of this tone, he landed into my personal life with my family. I could have lied about our struggles in earlier stages of our family life. But when it comes to family, I hate lying. It is like lying about god, lying about the first blessing of being a human being.

So, I gave him a vague idea about how we lived like wanderers in the initial years till we three grew up. And his astonishment after getting to know this unveiled his next question. " Do your parents now live together? Are they still living with each other after spending so much time away?" And I smiled as I knew this question was coming...." Ya, my parents are very much together. Does it matter to stay far physically? After all, your loved one resides in your heart. No matter which part of earth he/she stays in." When he smiled, I knew he agreed with the idea none the less..." You know Purva, I really admire India and Indians for the harmony and integrity in their relations. Whats nice to see that they stay with their parents even after their marriage."

This is not as easy and frequent as it was evident from his talk. We Indians know that there are some discrepancies. Nothing is perfect and impeccable on this earth. We Indians are accepting westernization and feeling happy to forget our own. Even we Indians get divorced, stay away from our family willingly and walk out of our family and parents' lives happily. We Indians fight over the issues of division of assets and custody of children. And of course we Indians only forget our family so easily. But till date I haven't heard of division of children in India. May be, I belong to a small place in comparison to metropolitan culture where this could be a normal matter & I still possess the small town mentality. However, it is easy to divide assets, easier to divide property....but it is hardest to divide children.

What left me surprised over the issue was...this idea of division of children was proposed by their mother. A mother is the most respectable person of all. She is god's best gift to every living being on this earth, she is the life and god herself as she gives birth to life. If god wants to take birth, even he has to come through a mother's womb. Wherever or in whatever form life is, mother is the cause and beginning of one's existence. Can she think of dividing her children? Her heart beats in her children. Even if someone goes on to try dividing....is it possible to divide hearts? A true relation is always the one in which bodies are different & heart is one, names are different & soul is one. The day we will divide soul will probably see the beginning of division of a mother's heart too.

Lack of time...?

I was having this conversation with a friend of mine. We talked about everything possible in the world from politics, economy in recession, terrorism to work, life and career. And then all of a sudden, he popped up with a simple question..."How do you get time in this busy life for blogging? You almost manage it three times a month." I didn't find his question odd. I knew it if I had elaborately explained, the conversation would have lasted forever. I just smiled and said" Bas aise hi...I don't feel lack of time to do it"...

If you see people, world and lives around you, you will see everybody running here and there in search of something or to achieve something..don't know what. Life has become really busy in this age. My grand-ma used to tell me" Your generation is just in love with running after things and pleasures and for that you will willingly lose the pleasure of your present moment. In our time, people at least used to have time to sit along with family and friends." I agree with her nothing less. Life is getting convulsed violently by day to day competitions and in the fight of survival of the fittest. I do the same and still here I am writing a blog on it to preach lessons. But it is not only a lesson...it is just some pieces hold together from small real lives' experiences.

Till I got here in US, I had the same resentments. I used to lament like hell for less time and much work to do. My life was in all time imbalanced state and I thought only I, in the world, has infinite amount of work. I never thought about how to balance life giving importance to each and every need, priority and person. My life was piled up under my textbooks and study room. At times, I would gaze outside the window having a book in hand which gave an impression of my studious nature to many, even though I may be feeling sluggish that moment. But a foolish likeness of myself with always a book in my hand found it hard to let me step outside my door....

My day to day dialogues with ma were limited to "bhookh lagi hai, khana ban gaya kya?", "exams aane waale hai" and " kal school ki chutti hai". Papa was more of a teacher than papa and he was the one who has managed talking with me the most so far. A lot of credit goes to his long discussions of studies with me. My endless commitments to studies and other useless stuff took away my time of conversing with my family and other friends. I was same till college, always complaining about the lack of time. During the second year at college, I came across to talk to a friend about it and after listening to me he said" There is never a lack of time...only a lack of inclination. There is always plenty of time if you know how you are going to balance your life." His words moved me to the core. I have been repeating his words in my mind till date. And after that, if there is anything missing in my life...that is inclination, that is balance...never a lack of time.

We run our whole life in hope of a better future and miss all zest of relishing present moments OR we stay cold our whole life to avoid odds and rigor of present moments and get apprehensive for tomorrow. We run either at left or at right, unknowingly that the real joy lies in between somewhere these two points. Life is not about zooming in a Ferrari and it is not about stopping on one moment for ever either. Happiness is not in the mirages of " the next day should be better than today" and it is not also in fretting over an ongoing painful moment. It is just in the moment when you know what you want to do the most and what makes you happy.

Due to my so called and defined "lack of time", I had stopped blogging for an year when I came here for masters. A friend pushed me again towards it and then I realized where my zeal lies. I found an undefined solace in giving a shape to my thoughts again and my inclination took care of it from there. It was though not as actively as it was supposed to be and at times I hardly thought of anything but studies, yet I knew it was important to me and for my happiness. And this realization of where my true self lies taught me how to get the balance between the two.

Practically, it may invite a number of arguments. This competitive world snatches everything away which gives us delight. But it is on us how to have the counterpoise. Life is too beautiful na, friends. Enjoy every moment before it flees away and make it meaningful also before it never gives you a chance to do so again. Make a balance with everything in your life. Try it from today before you lose any special moment and person forever.

I wish I could get my childhood back just to spend some more tender moments with my family which I just let go hands down...the significance of those moments really took much time to become evident to me. We human beings are not so good with extremes. Staying at equilibrium can help us in surviving in a better way and happily for long...

Naya saal mubarak....

So, here I am again. Things and life have been quite busy so far and I was thinking why do we have so much of work only when we want to relax. I thought of taking rest and staring the ceiling of my room for next few days after my masters and then only housing of my university campus decided to kick us out of our apartment. We can't enjoy the facilities of campus once we reach in a position where they can't ask us any more money or tuition fees. And thanks to the completion of my masters, I can now think of doing stuff beyond striking my head with housing authorities. I found a new apartment and moved in there. Moving in and moving out has been an integral part of my life such that I sometimes feel sandwiched between them. I missed blogging last days. It seems surprising when I manage to survive and breathe without posting anything new on blog for long. Alright, I exaggerate sometimes. It is not that bad but I feel detached with myself and world when I don't blog. It is like words drained out of mind.

We have almost reached to the end of the year. I may write a lot of philosophical and spiritual specimens of how to behave next year and live on all the resolutions made this year. But I am no Baba Sri Sri Sri Purva who holds the copyrights on gyaan possible in the world. So, I will spare it this year. 2008 has been an year of happenings for me. Unlike 2007, which was happening too but not positively, 2008 got me few interesting events of life. I earned a masters degree for which I have lost almost 2874 hair so far. I managed to visit India after long time and got to meet few important people including old friends whom I hadn't seen for long.

I landed up in almost 1000 arguments with ma and papa regarding marriage. Interestingly, when parents start thinking emotionally and sentimental for their daughters to marry them off and at the same time scolding them to accept this so called centuries old fact of life...it is hard to stand in the discussion with them even possesing any logics. My sisters continued with the same concerns on the issue this year also. Specially, when one has a married sister and a younger sister at home, you can't accept anything but the 1001-advantages-of-getting-married conversations and mera-number-kab-aayega-look on you...I interned whole year which was an arduous job with classes and projects. I see myself more confident than what I was at the beginning of this year. And now I believe that work transforms life and reconstructs beliefs. A job supervisor's look builds the self-assurance and strengths better than a professor's look, no matter how disdainful the look is...

I found some new friends and new people in whom I felt confiding my inner-rooted pains that I only shared with family before. And I think this remains my biggest achievement of this year. Finding one whose frequency matches yours is not easy though not very difficult also...but to have those people around closely or remotely is a treat for life. I would say...I learnt how to live in real sense. May be just completing few months and calculated days of year is not life..Life means living each and every moment.I believe I can face hardships more efficiently than last year. And now I feel why it took me so many years to realize that without smiling and living life under unknown apprehensions of what next and covering up face with useless tensions doesn't culminate in anything. Some people unknowingly turn the coarse of problems into a dead-end street....

With continuing global recession in the economy and the impending terror of getting married, I don't feel going in 2009 and want to stay for some more time in 2008...but time waits for none. I hope you all must have your share of moments that made you laugh and cry this year...I pray for all to stay healthy, smiling and in good spirits for next year and most importantly living your life...Happy new year to all...

Lakshya....

I didn't want to use any other title than this one so I am stealing the title of a movie for this post. Hope Farhan Akhtar doesn't mind it. It has been 4 days since I had the last exam of my Masters here. The enchanting feeling of completing my masters degree leaves me with an indescribable expression. Life goes on...and I feel I slowly proceed ahead with a handful of aims and few dreams in heart on the road to life."Lakshya" is the most pronounced word of initial phases of one's life. I still remember I had 100 objectives before I stepped in the world of structural engineering. I had developed an interest in astronomy and study of heavenly objects and then I decided to be an astronaut. I enjoyed watching circus shows in my town and I wanted to be a circus artist. Then, music stepped in my life and I dreamed by heart days and nights to be a singer. Traversing on the flow of this stream named life, I went on to aim some more and finally I have landed up here. A lot of people ask me whether I wanted to be a structural engineer very first. My sister still believes that I would have gone to pursue writing as a career.

Ruminating over and over aims that lead my past and contemplating future objectives, been through the phases of "I came-I saw-and I conquered" to " Mera-sundar-sapna-toot-gaya"...I am still treading ahead to target on something. And through all those stages, I sometimes don't understand what I am targeting to. Do I want to be a professional with unlimited earnings or a figure of a successful person? Do I want to be a celebrity who captures a daily column on Page-3 and a rich fellow? Is that what I wanted to be? I feel confused sometimes when I achieve something....as to what next now? If I fail, I know I need to go on again. My questions to myself can give an impression of my inanity to many afterward. But the truth is that I am still looking for my purpose in life. I am still searching for the reason of my existence on this earth.

I dreamed to be a singer and I couldn't advance beyond the mass audience of classical nights I took part in. I did never wish to be a writer and here I am writing a blog which connects me with a lot of different souls on this planet. I could never remotely think of being a poetic temperamental individual but my thoughts found a way to rhyme themselves and to flow on paper. And an urge of always creating something got me in structural engg. May be here I can create something visible in front of my eyes for long. Lakshyas were made and lakshyas were achieved. Some of them though died in course of time also. I feel none of the achievements satisfied me completely. The peace of mind still seems far ahead. Losses leave a ground zero mark on me and then I try to rise like a phoenix again out of my own remnants. My gains make me happy for sometime and then the vigor and sparkle die down again.

I realized then that everything is going to lose its charm or blues eventually and will fade away and vanish. These rises and dumps tell that I started my journey one day with nothing and one day it will end with nothing. I brought nothing with me except happiness and peace of mind to my loved ones and will take nothing with me except peace of mind and satisfaction. Then why I am going towards making money and dreaming to lead a materialistic life. Money brings some comfort and luxury to life but not peace of mind. I don't want to get evaporated in the burns where I will have all the money, status and success and still have no time to laugh with people, live for my family, stand by them when they want or need me, or end up where relations become cold and lose their warmth. I want to fade away with a peace in my mind that even though I couldn't achieve a lot in life and couldn't touch the zeniths I aimed...I am still vanishing being a nice person with peace that I finally found the meaning of my life and reason of my existence. Till the moment I get it, there is no peace to me.

So, my lakshya of having a masters degree is achieved. And now, I want a "Lakshya" again in life...May be, searching myself amongst these aims will lead me somewhere to my purpose. At last, there is nothing worse than having an aimless day in life. Have you all come to know what your purpose is?.....